Yesterday was my 24-week appointment. The baby's heart beat was healthy and everything seems to be going well. I realize I haven't been doing a great job of keeping long-distance friends and family updated but I have been enjoying my summer break.
One thing I have vowed for this pregnancy is that I would not let worry and anxiety steal my joy. Sometimes that is easier said than done when it seems like the enemy is just waiting for the chance to prey upon the fears that linger in the back of my mind. Every time I get asked "Have you picked out a name yet?" or "Have you started decorating the baby's nursery yet?" I feel a sense of fear creeping up. I immediately start thinking what it was like to come home to an empty nursery and be surrounded by untouched baby things in every corner of the house. It took me over two months to find the courage to pack away all of Landon's things. When I finally did, I felt so guilty. While the world around me kept telling me it was time to move on, my broken heart just wasn't ready. I knew that moving on meant accepting the realization that I would never again hold my son in my arms and that our family would always be incomplete. So many times, people would ask if we planned to have more children. People just don't realize it's not that easy once you have lost one. We didn't want to feel like we were trying to replace Landon.
Although we are overjoyed at the blessing of my latest pregnancy, we often struggle with "what if it happens again?"That's when I hear the Spirit telling me to "be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) I feel guilty that my faith meter has been running a little low lately and I can sense God's disappointment in the fact that I haven't been putting much confidence in Him these last few months. I can sense Him saying "Okay Lindsey.....just a little more faith, please. After all, I am the One who rescued you from the flooding waters of your sorrow and pain. I have loved you even when you questioned me. I sacrificed my only Son for you so that you might have life. I have provided for your every need and this is the best you can give me? Where is your faith, child?" Pslam 46:10 is an encouragement to reflect upon what God can do in the face of what I cannot do. I am often reminded by the movement inside my womb that I do not serve a small God. May I continue to trust Him and His infinite power.
I am slowly finding the courage to take out the boxes of baby things from storage and start piecing together our baby girl's nursery. I have even taken on the daunting task of sewing her crib bedding (which might end up killing me before it's all said and done). We still do not have a name picked out, but that is mainly because we cannot agree on one we both like. I'm having a hard time convicing my husband that certain names would cause our child to end up resenting us.
In the coming months, we will continue to pray that God's hand is resting upon our unborn child and that we will remain confident in the fact that it's all in His hands.
In His Love....
