JOY

Christmas came early for us this year with the arrival or our little Addison in October. Granted, we did enjoy all the CHRISTmas festivities with family, gifts, and food and spending this special time with our daughter made it all the more meaningful. She has brought such JOY back into our lives.

As you can probably guess, it has been a completely different atmosphere in our home this Christmas season compared to last year. Last year, we were still deeply grieving the loss of our little boy and although we still miss him terribly, our latest little miracle has helped restore the joy that has been overshadowed by our grief. I think the hardest part about grieving for a loved one is learning to move on with your life and not feeling guilty for doing so. It has taken me so long to reach this point. Landon will always be a part of our family and there will always be a place in our hearts that will grieve for him, but I have learned that I can still live out a life full of happiness and joy even though he is not here. No, I still do not understand why he was taken from us so quickly, but I have accepted that there is a higher purpose for his passing and I am better off leaving that in God's hands. Even if God were to try and explain it to me, chances are, I still would not comprehend something so simple in God's eyes but so complex in mine.

Throughout this Christmas season, I have had lots of time to reflect on the spirit of the season and its true meaning. Every time, I can't help but be overcome with emotion at the thought of how blessed I truly am. I know that these blessings come as the result of my heavenly Father's love for me. Call me selfish, but as a mother who loves her children dearly, I cannot say that I am willing to give up my children in order for someone else to benefit. I know that others have been touched by Landon's story and I am forever grateful for the letters I have received from people telling how they have been moved by our faith, but it was never our choice for things to happen the way they did. Am I thankful for the result of my faith, OF COURSE, but I would never have chosen this journey for myself.

The other day, I came across a photo album from our mission trip to Ukraine we took only months before I became pregnant with Landon. In the weeks leading up to our trip, I prayed daily for God to open my heart to those around me and to mold my heart so that I could become more Christ-like. The whole time, I was sure that God was going to make this happen while I was in Ukraine. After all, I was going there to help reach people for Christ and it would be such an exciting time. One afternoon, we traveled by ski lift up to the top of a mountain where there was a breathtaking view of the valley below. I remember standing on top of that mountain staring down at the valley below me and feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel as close to God as I had anticipated. I was literally on top of a mountain peak. How do you get any closer to God than that?! Don't get me wrong, I surely felt God's presence through the beauty that surrounded me, but I didn't feel the deep intimacy with Him I was hoping to find on this trip. Silly me. I should have known that God often chooses to use our darkest hours to mold our hearts and to draw us closer to Him. Little did I know at that time that God was about to move mountains so that I could find Him in the valleys of my life.

As I look forward to a new year, I pray that whatever life holds, I will continue to seek His will and be reminded of His love that covers me. Many blessings to you and your families for 2011!

In His Love....

On Monday, we met up with some of our best friends from Clearwater who were passing through our area. Kevin and Wendy were one of the first couples we met after moving to Clearwater four and a half years ago and have become family to us. We have shared some pretty challenging trials together and we know God put them in our lives for a purpose. Their son, Mason, was born with hydrocephalus a month after we lost Landon and although our stories are very different, we were able to encourage each other through the "valleys" of our faith. We are so thankful for relationships like those of Kevin and Wendy and the countless others God has blessed us with.

In His Love....

2 Months

Addison turned 2 months old last week. Along with her 2-month birthday came those dreaded shots. She took them like a champ, though, and her crying stopped as soon as the last shot was given. She weighs nearly 11 pounds now and has grown 3 whole inches since birth. She is in the 50 percentile with her weight and height. Aside from her milk allergy and her reflux, she couldn't be doing better. Lucky for us, she is pretty much sleeping through the night now. The first night she did this, I awoke in the middle night and frantically checked to make sure she was still breathing. You might say I have a small case of paranoia. I have 2 more weeks at home with her and then it's back to work for me. As much as I love my job and my students, I'm already counting down to summer vacation so I can be home with my little girl again.

In His love....

I don't spend much time on the computer these days. As you can expect, my priorities have shifted a bit since Addison has arrived. Most of those menial housecleaning tasks have fallen to the bottom of my to-do list. If you have been to my house recently, then you have noticed. :)

Addison has been doing super. She has a severe case of reflux, but now that she is on meds, she is doing much better. She recently discovered that she has a voice and she spends hours just cooing and "chatting" away. She smiles a lot now and sometimes she will even chuckle in her sleep. It's so precious and I can't help but laugh along with her. She certainly likes to be held and rocked. Her favorite place to sleep is lying across my chest and she is a big-time snuggler. I will admit she is a bit spoiled but the way I look at it is we've gone through so much to get her here that we have every reason to spoil her. Plus, we can't take all the blame. Our family and friends are just as guilty :)

I wanted to say congrats to my friend, Emily, one also happened to be one of my nurses when I delivered Addison. She gave birth to an adorable baby girl, Abby Claire, just this past week. Emily, I hope your nurse was as fantastic as mine!
In His Love...

Happy 1 Month, Addison!

Addison turned one month old this past Saturday. It feels like we were just coming home from the hospital just yesterday! I don't know where the time goes. She is growing so fast. I think she gets a little heavier every time I hold her. Her newborn clothes are getting a tad bit snug and I think she might be moving up a size in diapers soon.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween isn't exactly a big event in the Bricker household, but since it was Addison's first holiday...I couldn't resist :)

Time, where does it go?

Time. It's something that seems to drag on forever when we're going through a difficult or unpleasant experience, but in times of joy and happiness, it whizzes past in the blink of an eye. Once it's gone, you can never get it back. Sometimes it seems like more of a dirty four-letter word when it passes by so quickly. It's hard to believe that Addison is three weeks old today! It amazes me how fast she is changing already. She has gained just over a pound already since coming home from the hospital. Her newborn clothes actually fit her now. Each day that passes is almost bittersweet. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for my baby girl, but at the same time, my heart gets a little heavy over the thought of her growing up. Maybe it's the hormones, or possibly my lack of sleep, but I find it a little depressing.

Since the day she was born, she's had tons of camera time. You'd think that with all those pics, I would've posted more on my blog, right? A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "Oh no! I didn't take one single picture of Addison today!" How I managed to let that happen is beyond me. So, in the middle of the night, I'm rummaging through the house searching for the camera (half-asleep) so I can snap a picture of her before the clock strikes midnight and I go down in history's record book as "the mother who doesn't take enough pictures of her child." Needless to say, I got the picture. Ohh....if only she could stay this little forever....

Addison Faith

We are totally unworthy of a gift so precious and beautiful. God has truly shed his grace upon us. Meet the newest addition to our family.

We Welcome with Love....

Welcome to the world, precious little girl! Announcing the arrival of Addison Faith Bricker. Born October 13th at 11:00 a.m. weighing 6 lbs., 13 ounces, and measuring 19 in. long. We are in love. Thank you for the many prayers, emails, and phonecalls. God is so good! Promise to post pics soon. Right now, we are a little busy enjoying our new bundle of joy.

In His Love....

And...we wait..

Today, I am 38 weeks. Woo-hoo! Oh little one...please feel free to come any time! The anticipation is killing us. I was told at my doctor's appointment yesterday that I haven't started to dilate yet, so who knows how much longer it could be. Funny how we worked so hard to keep this little girl in the womb, and now we just want her OUT! In the meantime, I will continue to use my pregnancy as an excuse for the bags of candy corn I have consumed (by myself) and the nightly cravings of ice cream. It's amazing that I haven't gained any weight this past week with all the junk I've eaten.

In His Love...

YAY! We made it full-term!

Today we reached official "Full-term" status! We can now breathe a little easier if our baby girl decides to come at any time. At my 37-week appointment yesterday, everything checked out fine. Baby's heartbeat was strong and healthy and she is still in the head-down position. It feels like this pregnancy has flown by, but now that we are in the final homestretch, it seems like the days are dragging by. I think one of the most difficult parts is not knowing when she will decide to come. We're hoping that we can make it to the hospital in time since we live so far away. :) I think my little fifth graders are convinced that I'm going to go into labor in the middle of class and they are going to have to come to my rescue. One of them asked me the other day if I "had a plan" in case my water breaks in class. Another one asked me if I had my doctor on speed dial in case he needed to call for me. (I think they've been watching too many movies b/c they were shocked when I told them that it doesn't always happen that way.)
It's hard to believe that in just a matter of weeks/days, our lives will be changed forever.

In His Love...

A sigh of relief

Yay for our little girl! We had our ultrsound today and it showed that she finally decided to turn in the right position. Just hoping she decides to stay that way. Now it's just a matter of waiting until she decides to make her grand appearance. I can't believe we've already made it to 36 weeks! That's a huge milestone for us. They are estimating that she weighs about 5.8 lbs and will probably be around 7.8 when she is born, assuming she waits another few weeks. Thanks for all the prayers this past week. I wasn't looking forward to the external version they were going to try on her if she hadn't moved yet. God truly does hear our prayers.

In His Love.....

35 weeks

On Wednesday, I had my 35-week checkup. This is the longest I've ever been pregnant, so I'm beginning to experience that uncomfortable stage where it feels like my stomach cannot possibly stretch any larger.
Everything went great except for the fact that the baby has gone from a head-down position from two weeks ago, to a transverse position (side-to-side). I go back next week for another ultrasound. If she is still transverse, then my doctor will try to turn her. I'm a tad bit nervous about this part since it can be pretty uncomfortable and there are some risks involved. If they are unable to turn her, then they will have to do a C-section and probably take her closer to 37 weeks. The last thing they want is for me to go into labor (especially with my history of pre-term labor) with her in the transverse position b/c it could result in a prolapsed umbilical cord, which is definitely not a good situation. So, we are praying that our little one decides to cooperate before next Wednesday and save her mama a lot of worry. Hopefully, her stubborness is just a passing phase. I'm beginning to think already that she has a lot of her daddy in her; although, he would probably beg to differ.
It's almost surreal to think that we are only weeks away from meeting our daughter. We can't help but wonder if she will look like her big brother. We take comfort in knowing that she is continuously prayed for with love and watched by angels from above.

33 Weeks

This past Wednesday was my 33 week appointment. I'm happy to report that everything is going well so far. I've been taking extra precautions to stay off my feet as much as possible; although, that can be very difficult when you're in charge of a classroom full of energetic fifth graders. Now that school is back in session, my life has gone from total relaxation to complete craziness. I'm hoping that will help the next few weeks of waiting to fly by. We are so excited about meeting our baby girl and are constantly praying for this precious little life that God has chosen to bless us with.

I had two showers this past week, and already her wardrobe is quickly outgrowing her nursery closet. Adam is starting to get a taste of what it's like to have a house full of girls. Clothes, clothes, and more clothes.



Thanks to the ladies in my small group from church and to my sister, aunts, and cousins for hosting the showers. It was lots of fun!

Birthday Wishes

This post is only about 3 weeks late, but since I've started back to work, I haven't had a whole lot of time to blog. Adam and I both celebrated birthdays in August. The older I get, that saying "age is just a number" is starting to make more sense. It's amazing how fast the years go by! Thanks to my family and friends for making my birthday a special day. I'm truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

My parents and I surprised Adam with a kayak. He has wanted one for quite a while, so when my dad found a good deal on one, we jumped on it. Happy Birthday to the best husband I could've asked for!

30 Weeks

So I admit.... I haven't been the most faithful blogger the past few weeks. One of the greatest things about being a teacher is having summers off and having the freedom to be LAZY all summer long! I officially start back to work next week and I seriously don't know how I'm going to manage getting back into the swing of things. I've been so spoiled lately. Most of my family know not to call me before 9 a.m. b/c chances are, I'm still in my PJs and still getting my beauty sleep. Haha! My doctor did tell me to take it easy as much as possible so I'll blame it on the pregnancy*wink*
I've made it past the 30-week mark and things are still looking great. Everyone has been asking if we've decided on a name yet. Call us too traditional but we are keeping it a surprise until she is here. It's a miracle that we actually agreed on a name we both like! Of course, it's killing some of our family that we're not telling, but what's 10 more weeks of waiting, right?

In His Love...

The Awesomeness of God

This past Sunday, we shared our testimony in church and about how God's awesomeness has been revealed to us throughout the past year and a half. When our pastor first asked us to share, we were a bit hesitant. It would be the first time we would be telling our story in front of a large audience and we weren't sure if we would be able to hold it together. It's a lot easier to write about it on my blog than to actually talk about it. The day after Pastor Phillip spoke to us about sharing, this was my daily devotional:



If we desire to fully walk with Christ, there is a cost. If we are fully given over to Him and His will for our life, it will be a life that will have adversity. The Bible is clear that we do not achieve greatness without having our sinful will broken. If God has plans to greatly use you in the lives of others, you can expect your trials to be even greater than those of others. Why? Because, like Joseph who went through greater trials than most patriarchs, your calling may have such responsibility that God cannot afford to entrust it to you without ensuring your complete faithfulness to the call. He has much invested in you on behalf of others. He may want to speak through your life to a greater degree than through another. The events of your life would become the frame for the message He wants to speak through you. Do not fear the path that God may lead you on. Embrace it. For God may bring you down a path in your life to ensure the reward of your inheritance.


Talk about a "God-thing". I really felt like He was trying to give me some encouragement to share. Needless to say, we managed to get through it, so thanks to our church family for listening and thanks to our pastor for giving us the chance to share. Our hope is that someone will benefit from hearing our story and that the Spirit will move through them.

In His Love...

It's Finished!

A few years ago, my wonderful husband blessed me with a sewing machine for my birthday. I had never sewn a stitch in my life, but it was something that I had always wanted to learn. Sewing quickly became a favorite hobby and gave my idle hands something to do after Landon passed.

Granted, I am definitely NOT an accomplished seamtress and anyone who is would probably be mortified with my stitching, but I'm content with my novice handiwork. :)

So.....I mentioned in a previous post that I had decided to sew our Baby Girl's crib bedding. Well, I pretty much went on a sewing marathon and didn't stop until I finished. I promised a few friends and family members I would post pics of the finished product. The nursery is still a work in progress, but is slowly coming together. Fourteen more weeks to go!

Just a little more faith

Yesterday was my 24-week appointment. The baby's heart beat was healthy and everything seems to be going well. I realize I haven't been doing a great job of keeping long-distance friends and family updated but I have been enjoying my summer break.
One thing I have vowed for this pregnancy is that I would not let worry and anxiety steal my joy. Sometimes that is easier said than done when it seems like the enemy is just waiting for the chance to prey upon the fears that linger in the back of my mind. Every time I get asked "Have you picked out a name yet?" or "Have you started decorating the baby's nursery yet?" I feel a sense of fear creeping up. I immediately start thinking what it was like to come home to an empty nursery and be surrounded by untouched baby things in every corner of the house. It took me over two months to find the courage to pack away all of Landon's things. When I finally did, I felt so guilty. While the world around me kept telling me it was time to move on, my broken heart just wasn't ready. I knew that moving on meant accepting the realization that I would never again hold my son in my arms and that our family would always be incomplete. So many times, people would ask if we planned to have more children. People just don't realize it's not that easy once you have lost one. We didn't want to feel like we were trying to replace Landon.

Although we are overjoyed at the blessing of my latest pregnancy, we often struggle with "what if it happens again?"That's when I hear the Spirit telling me to "be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) I feel guilty that my faith meter has been running a little low lately and I can sense God's disappointment in the fact that I haven't been putting much confidence in Him these last few months. I can sense Him saying "Okay Lindsey.....just a little more faith, please. After all, I am the One who rescued you from the flooding waters of your sorrow and pain. I have loved you even when you questioned me. I sacrificed my only Son for you so that you might have life. I have provided for your every need and this is the best you can give me? Where is your faith, child?" Pslam 46:10 is an encouragement to reflect upon what God can do in the face of what I cannot do. I am often reminded by the movement inside my womb that I do not serve a small God. May I continue to trust Him and His infinite power.

I am slowly finding the courage to take out the boxes of baby things from storage and start piecing together our baby girl's nursery. I have even taken on the daunting task of sewing her crib bedding (which might end up killing me before it's all said and done). We still do not have a name picked out, but that is mainly because we cannot agree on one we both like. I'm having a hard time convicing my husband that certain names would cause our child to end up resenting us.
In the coming months, we will continue to pray that God's hand is resting upon our unborn child and that we will remain confident in the fact that it's all in His hands.

In His Love....

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!
I just wanted to post a quick update on our ultrasound this past Thursday. First, I just want to thank everyone for your prayers. The ultrasound went well and the baby appears to be healthy and developing as "she" should be. Now, our prayer is that we can make it full-term this time. As badly as we want to meet our little one, we certainly want her to wait until her due date. We are continuing to trust in the Lord that things will work out and that it's all in His hands.

In His Love...

What's the verdict?

So lots of people keep asking me when we find out what we're having. First of all...I'm pretty sure we're having a baby. :) Secondly, we find out June 3rd (yep..this Thursday) if it's a boy or a girl. And no...I don't have a preference. I think some of our family members are a little disappointed that we aren't going to wait and let it be a surprise, but I don't think either of us could stand the waiting. We're just hoping and praying for a healthy baby and that the ultrasound goes well. My doctor has been very pleased with my pregnancy thus far, but there is still that haunting in the back of my mind that something might go wrong. I have been fighting off lots of anxiety as my appointment gets closer. If you get a spare moment this week, would you please pray for the health of our baby?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

In His Love....

Positivity

Just a little bit of randomness that some of you might be interested in.


There are several things in life I am positive about.....

I am positive that God is real and loves me unconditionally, even though I may not always be deserving of His love.

I am positive I love my adoring and loving husband and couldn't live without him.


I am positive I am blessed with wonderful family and friends.


I am positive that life will not always be a piece of cake, but I have the promise of a loving and faithful Father to get me through.

I am positive that I am gaining weight (but not complaining).

I am positive that I have been very sick lately (but not complaining about this either).

And lastly, I'm positive that God has been at work in my life, b/c I am ........

























We realize that God's plan may not always be what we desire in life, but we are praying that whatever His plan is for this baby, we can handle it. Secretly and selfishly hoping that Baby Bricker #3 will be here to stay for a while. So far, so good. I'm sixteen and a half weeks and due Oct. 20th.
Our prayer is that fear will not steal our joy and that our trust in the Lord will not fade.
We are ever so grateful for your love and prayers.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

In His Love...

Six Days of Blessings

Yesterday, we went to visit a beautiful little boy who is in the NICU at Shands. Brantley is the son of two of our closest friends, Barton and Bethany. He was born on March 17th at 27 weeks and has been in the NICU ever since. He still has a long way to go, but boy he is a fighter! While Bethany was still carrying him, the doctors told her that he was at risk for a very serious health issue. I remember a conversation we had one day and she told me "I don't know if I could handle what you and Adam have gone through." My response..."I didn't think I could either, but God carried me through it." I have watched Barton and Bethany over the past 7 weeks, and I stand in awe of their strength and optimism. Many people do not understand the physical and mental toll that comes with having a baby in the NICU. I managed it for one week and they have managed it for seven. Please remember their family in your prayers, especialy little Brantley.

Last night, as I stood in the NICU surrounded by beeping monitors and sick little babies, I was reminded of a different NICU I was in, a year ago to the day. Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Landon's passing. While many of the events that took place that day are still very sharp in my mind, they are also very painful to reflect upon. I think yesterday was more difficult than his birthday because it represents the day he left us. Although God has filled me with an unexplainable peace these past months, that peace does not make the pain go away.
These past six days have come and gone so quicky. I have spent a year wondering how I would cope when they finally did approach, and while they have been very difficult, we have been blessed with the overwhelming amount of encouragement from family and friends. These are only a few examples:

The week before Landon's birthday, I received a package in the mail from my former colleagues and friends at my old school where I use to teach in Dunedin. My friend, Jen, had gotten everyone to write me little notes of encouragement to help me through the coming week. I was amazed that although I have lost touch with many of them, they still think of me and pray for Adam and I.

On Landon's birthday, I received a ton of texts and emails from loved ones saying they were praying for us. Thank you.

The day Landon was born, my mom gave him a Swarovski crystal rocking horse that she brought back from Austria just for him. To continue the tradition, she and my dad gave us a Swarovski crystal lamb.The tears fell heavy when I opened it. The lamb is symbolic in many ways. Thanks Mom and Dad :)

Over the past six days, we have received heartfelt letters from our close friends in Clearwater. Each day, there have been 2 letters- one for me and one for Adam. I have cried while reading every single one of them. Not only did they write words of encouragement, but they talked about our son. These are the same friends who came to visit us in the hospital when Landon was born and who helped us make arrangments for his memorial service while we struggled with the inital shock of our loss. They have walked this journey with us and we will forever be indebted to them for their compassion and friendship they have poured over us.

Yesterday, my friend, Wendy, sent me the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It could not have arrived on a better day. In her book, Angie shares the story of her grief after losing her infant daughter. It's a must read for anyone dealing with a loss or a difficult trial. Thanks, Wendy! By the way, this is the same Wendy, who has also been going through some pretty difficult trials with her infant son, Mason. If you want to know a woman after God's heart, read her blog www.kevinwendywhite.blogspot.com She is such an inspiration and a very dear friend!

Thank you to our family and friends for remembering our son. God never ceases to amaze me with His overflowing goodness.

In His Love.....

Happy Birthday, Landon!

It's a bittersweet day. Thinking about the precious miracle that came into our lives a year ago today and thanking God for every second we got to spend with that miracle. Landon is never far from my heart or my thoughts. I'm thankful that my little boy came into this world alive and that we had some very special moments with him. Although we still grieve and mourn the years we will not get to spend with our son, we continuously praise God for the time He did allow us. After all, six days is far longer than what some mothers get with their child.

It is hard to believe that a year has come and gone so quickly. While the memories of his birth are still sharp in my mind, I know that is not the case for others. A close friend recently asked me "Are you afraid that people will forget him?" I could barely hold back the tears as I responded with a weak "Yes." Most of our friends and family never got to meet him before he left us, so to some, he is only a name without any memories attached. How can I expect them to remember him when they never got to meet him? For Adam and I, it is so much easier because we're his parents and a parent's love for their child does not end even after they pass on.

I made a silly request last night in my prayers. I didn't even tell Adam about it b/c I was afraid he would laugh at me. I asked God to send me a butterfly at Landon's grave today. I really don't know why I asked Him for it. Maybe I was looking for reassurance, I don't know. Point is, I asked for it. I had forgotten all about my foolish request until we walked up to his grave today and low and behold, there was a butterfly resting right on Landon's headstone. My heart literally skipped a beat! At first I thought it was just a coincidence, but after looking around, I noticed that it was the only butterfly I could see. Even stranger, it floated around our heads and stayed close to Landon's grave almost the entire time we were there. Feel free to call me crazy, but I believe in signs and I know that God sent that butterfly for me today. That was his gift of reassurance to me that my little boy is okay.

I do not want Landon's birthday to be a day of sadness, because after all, a year ago today, I was experiencing one of the greatest joys of my life. So instead of sadness, I praise God for the magnificent birthday party He is giving my son in heaven today and for the fact that Landon's little brother/sister that was due this week is getting to celebrate with him.

Save a place for me, my sweet baby boy.

Big day

I've been pretty quiet the last month. Thanks for all the emails asking if I was okay. Yes, I'm fine, just super busy with work and other things.
We have an important day coming up next week. Not sure what to think or feel except that I still miss my baby boy like crazy. Hard to believe it's been almost one year....One year since a beautiful blessing entered our lives. Thanking God for such a wonderful blessing.

In His Love....

Peace

Easter has come and gone and while I tried my hardest to focus on the real meaning of why we celebrate Easter to begin with, in the back of my mind, there was still that stabbing pain that things were not as they should have been. This year, Easter should have been different for my family. We should have had our nearly one-year-old son dressed for church in his new outfit. He should have been hunting Easter eggs with all the other children and been a part of the big family get-together.......but he wasn't. Another holiday without my baby boy.

Instead, Adam and I went to visit him at his grave. This has become our new family tradition. While we never would've dreamed that starting a new family tradition would include this, we have the promise that this tradition will not last forever.
One day, we will see our little boy face to face and we will no longer have to spend holidays, or any day for that matter, separated from him.

Our pastor preached a wonderful sermon on Easter Sunday about the promise of eternal peace that God offers us. It brought tears to my eyes to think of how much God has blessed me with His peace this past year. There have been times when I thought my pain would surely bring me to my ruin, but time after time, there was that still, small voice that brought light into my darkened world.

Although the pain of losing Landon is still so great, I have felt the fullness of Christ's love like never before. He has taught me what it means to be comforted by His peace and it is by His mercy and grace that my faith is being strengthened. It is only because of His resurrection that I have God's promise of peace and hope. God brought thunderclouds and disasters into my life when all I really wanted was green pastures and still waters. I realize now that that was the only way His refining fire could do its work.
I'm looking forward to the day of Christ's return!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you"
1 Peter 1:3-4

In His Love....

Healed by a Hem

Several days ago, I came across a story in the Bible that reminded me of the magnificent healing power of Christ and also the importance of a Christian's profession of faith. I had read this story many times before, but sadly I had never stopped to reflect on the depth of its message. It comes from Luke 8:40-56.

Jesus has just returned to Capernaum where a crowd has gathered to welcome Him back. Among the gatherers are a man and a woman, both separately seeking a healing from Jesus. The man, Jairus, is a leader of a synagogue and of great reputation and wealth. He falls at Jesus' feet, pleading with Him to come to his home and heal his dying daughter. As Jesus tries to make His way through the crowd to Jairus' home, a woman fights through the people to get close to Him. "If I can just get close enough," she tells herself. This woman had been suffering from a "female problem" for twelve years. She has basically spent all her money trying to find an end to her problem, but to no avail. Not only has her illness affected her physically and financially, it has also deprived her of taking part in religious ceremonies. (Under levitical law, bleeding made her unclean and unfit to partake in religious activities.) She has become discouraged and desperate. She had heard of Jesus' healing power, and as a last resort, she sought out this "healer".

As Jesus tried to make His way through the crowd to Jairus' home, the woman "came up behind Him and touched the hem of his cloak." Unlike Jairus, she did not approach Jesus face to face. She preferred to remain anonymous. I'm assuming that her female problem was an embarrassment and not something she wanted to proclaim in front of the masses. I'm also thinking that because she was considered "lowly" in society, she did not feel worthy to confront Jesus directly. I guess you could say she was trying to "steal a healing" for it says "upon touching the Lord's garment, she was immediately healed."

"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. Everyone denied they had touched Him. I imagine His disciples looked at Him as though he were crazy for they said "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you." In their minds they are thinking that Jesus is asking for the impossible. Hundreds have touched Him. What difference did it make who touched Him? That would be like standing in the pouring rain and trying to pinpoint one single raindrop.

Jesus' response just gives me chills......

"but Jesus said 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.' "

I can only imagine that by this point, Jairus is growing impatient, as time is of the essence if his daughter is to live. The disciples are also wondering why Jesus is delaying His arrival to Jairus' home. Didn't He have a child to heal?

But Jesus would not let the matter drop. Finally, the woman recognizes that she cannot go unnoticed as she had hoped. She falls at the feet of Jesus, bearing witness as to why she had touched Him and that she had been healed.

Although her faith might not have been enough to move mountains, it was enough to bring her healing, because Jesus says to her "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Jesus would not allow this woman a second-class healing. She ends up at Jesus' feet before Him, just where people of faith belong. I find it amazing that not only was it Jesus' power that healed her, it was also her faith that brought her healing. Jesus was sure to bring this to the crowd's attention when He told her that it was her faith that had healed her. Christ also wanted her faith to be publicy professed, not kept secret.

Where there is faith-no matter how big or small- God will respond to it and challenge us to become stronger in our faith. As long as we have faith, we, too, can be healed by a hem.

In His Love....

It Was All Worth It

I recently paid a visit to the dentist. I was appalled to learn that I had, not one, but two cavities and I would need to get fillings! This was shocking to me since I hadn't had a cavity since elementary school, well.... maybe high school. I think the dentist sensed my embarrassment after promising him again and again that I really did brush my teeth. He assured me that sometimes stress can cause cavities. I realize he may have just said this to ease my shame, but I'll choose to believe him :) Right before he gave me the injection of numbing medicine, he said "This might hurt for a little while, but just remember, it will be worth it."

His words didn't hit me until days later when I was visiting Landon's grave. Even though it was a bleak and rainy day, I couldn't wait to see Landon's new headstone that had just been set that day. After nine months, my little boy finally had a proper resting place. I stood there in the pouring rain over my son's grave, my tears blending in with the pelting raindrops that stung my face, and suddenly, the words of my dentist came back to me. "Yes, this has hurt for a while, but one day I know it will be worth it."

I use to believe in the cliche that "God will never give you more than you can handle" but I'm not really on the bandwagon with that anymore. First of all, I don't neccesarily believe that God is always the one doing the "dishing out of bad things." Without giving the devil too much credit, it is important to know that evil does exist in our world. While God does permit certain things to happen, He is not always the cause of these events. Secondly, sometimes life can deal out some pretty devastating blows and there is no humanly way possible to carry the burden of the heartbreak that follows without the help of a higher power. I think that cliche should actually be "God will never give you more than you can handle without His help."
In 2009, life delivered some pretty devastating blows. My husband lost his job very unexpectantly due to company downsizing. I was seven months pregnant and we were temporarily without health insurance. We had bills to pay and were living off my teacher's salary. Our only option was to put our house on the market. Weeks later, our son was born pre-term very unexpectantly. Six days later, we lost him very unexpectantly and we were devastated. We had medical bills and funeral expenses that we had not anticipated. We eventually moved to a different town to be closer to family. Six months after losing Landon, we got another blow when our very unexpected pregnancy came to an end at 13 weeks. We had lost our second baby and once again, we were devastated.

I do not share these things as a means of garnering sympathy but only to give proof of how God can take heartbreak and turn it in to the ultimate form of healing that one can experience. While all of these events may have seemed very unexpected to us, God knew they were coming the whole time and He was ready. He was waiting in the wings for the time when I would reach my breaking point. When I finally did, He was there to scoop me up in His arms and carry me the rest of the way. Since then, He has been performing a healing on my broken heart. He has been carefully stitching it back together and mending it in places that I never knew needed mending.

If you are enduring a loss, then you are all too familiar with the heartwrenching pain that shakes you to your inner core and seems to suck the life right out of you. You know the desperation of seeking a way to escape the pain. When you finally reach your breaking point, thankfully, there is someone there to carry you the rest of the way and perform a healing on your heart like no other. He can provide the salve that brings comfort and hope.

Some have often questioned my decision to expose some of my most intimate feelings, especially knowing how private of a person I have been in the past, but if I don't, then my story can't do God's healing power any justice. If you have recently experienced some type of heartbreak, keep the faith. One day, your pain will lessen to the point that your good days will outnumber the bad ones. You will see that the sun is still shining and your heart is still beating and...... life goes on.

Although God is still in the process of performing open-heart surgery on me and I am yet to be completely healed, I am hoping that one day I can say "It was all worth it."

In His Love....

Prayer Requests

Just as you have prayed for me, I humbly ask that you pray for some of my dearest friends. They were there in my time of need and were a constant source of comfort and blessing for me.
My friend, Katy, lost her dad this past week very unexpectantly. Katy is also pregnant and the sress that grief brings will not be healthy for her pregnancy. Please lift her and her family up in your prayers that God will provide them with "the peace that surpasses all understanding"; That He will bless them with comfort and strength as they learn to live life without their father.
My second prayer request is for little Mason, the son of our friends, Kevin and Wendy. Mason was born with hydrocephalus this past June and has had many difficulties since. He is currently in the hospital because he is having gastrointestinal issues. They are exploring the possibility of surgery. Please pray for his parents that they will have the strength to cope with whatever this may entail. Especially pray for little Mason, that his problem can be resolved so that his life can be as normal as possible.
Thank you for taking the time to pray for them!
In His Love.....

The Desert of Preparation

Happy belated New Year! I know, I'm just a bit late, but better late than never, right? While I was thankful to see 2009 finally end, I also felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend that I'll never see again. It was a year full of heartbreak for my family, but it was also bittersweet. It was the year our son was born and for that reason, we will remember it the most.

I didn't really make any New Year's resolution for 2010, except for one- HOPE. My resolution is to not give up HOPE. To some, it may seem like a simple commitment, but to me, it has been a personal struggle since losing Landon and especially after our miscarriage. Just when I think I'm getting to a breaking point in my grief, it comes rushing back in Tsunami-size waves. I've had some personal struggles lately about life in general and God's plan for my life. I know it's satan trying his hardest to knock me down and I fill like I have to suit up for battle on a daily basis. "Lord, give me strength" has become part of my daily prayer.



I recently started the new Beth Moore bible study "Breaking Free", and it could not have started at a better time. I'm sure you'll be reading about it quite often in my future posts, so heads-up. I love Beth Moore!

The opening verse on the first night came from Isaiah 61:1-3.

"....He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

Wow, such an amazing promise from our heavenly father!


The first week's study was a reminder that even when we are being faithful to God and centered in His will, satan can still attack us. Sometimes he attacks the weak believers because they are easy prey. Other times he attacks the fully-surrendered servants of God just for the challenge of it. I'm sure he takes great delight in watching the infectious result of a strong believer's "fall from grace". Every time I think of that, I recommit to not giving up. I can't let satan win.

Have you ever noticed that almost every time an important figure in the Bible was about to do something great, God would send him into the desert? Moses, Abraham, John the Baptist, Jesus...It was in the desert that God prepared each person for the great task they would soon take on. I may not be a world-changing history maker, but I feel like I've been wandering in the desert for the last 8 months. So, I keep waiting and thinking "What great task is God preparing me for?" Will I be ready? Until He reveals His plan for me...I wait and I HOPE.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk 3:17-19