Seasons of Life

It has been some time since my last posting. We are slowly transitioning into our new life in "the sticks". It has certainly been a huge adjustment moving from a booming metropolis to rural north Florida. I've had a busy, but successful first week back to school and am excited about the new school year, especially since I have been blessed with a terrific group of students! It is great to be back home, although I miss my friends at DHMS.

Thanks for all the positive and encouraging comments I've received from those of you who have taken the time to read my blog. I have never been a very public person when it comes to personal matters, but I have found that it helps the grieving process the more I talk about things. When I lost Landon, there were several other mothers who reached out to me who had also lost a child and it certainly helped to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings. So, my hope is that God will use my blog to touch someone else who is going through a similar experience.

It has been four months since our loss. Although I don't particularly like God's plan for my life right now, I am learning to accept it. I have to remind myself that what I might think is "good" for me may not match up with what God's idea of "good" is. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord". Isaiah 55:8
After seeing my child suffer, I wondered if God really was good. I wondered why he didn't step in, save the day and make my life perfect again. I wondered if God was even still here with me. I had prayed with fervent vigor for him to heal my son and it seemed like he had ignored my pleas for help. During Landon's surgery, a group of our church friends held a special prayer gathering to pray for him. It was difficult for me to know that so many people had cried out to God and He hadn't even listened, at least I didn't think He had. In my moments of fragile faith, I even questioned the power of prayer.

In recent months, I have come to realize that God was with me before, during and after my suffering. In the three years that we lived in Clearwater, God had blessed us with an amazing church family and a group of wonderful Christian friends. We didn't realize it at the time, but He was preparing our hearts for the season of life that would soon be upon us. I grew up in a Christian home but my spiritual walk with Christ was never quite so intense as it has been the past few years. I believe God put us in a specific place for a specific time in our lives for a purpose.
Through the seasons of life, I have learned that it is always easy to give God the praise and glory when life is going great, my bank account is always sufficient, I always feel good, work isn't stressful, my house is always orderly, there is food on the table and I'm happy. However, if life seems chaotic, my bank account is in red, I have a splitting headache, the house is a mess, work is stressful, yet I am still happy and continue to praise God..others take notice because it just doesn't seem normal. I know that as long as I am willing, God can use my suffering as a platform to reveal His power and grace to others.

God is preparing us for a new season in life. We are trusting Him with the future and know that whatever storms might blow our way, Christ will be there to provide us shelter from the storm.

In His love...

Jesus, Bring the Rain

This past May, we lost our little angel, Landon. He was born almost 6 weeks early but appeared to be perfectly healthy. On his 6th day, we were told by his doctors that he had an infection in his intestines (Necrotizing Enderocolitis/NEC) and needed to be transported to a neighboring hospital for closer observation in a level III NICU. Upon arrival, he was rushed into emergency surgery where his colon, large intestine and most of his small intestine were removed. We were told he had a 50/50 chance for survival. Within 20 hours of first being informed of his infection, he was gone. With the blink of an eye, his precious life had ran out. It all happened so fast and we were left in total shock and desperation. "How could this have happened?!" "They told us he would be going home in no time!"

As you can imagine, the past 4 months have been a difficult road. One moment, we were decorating our son's nursery and preparing ourselves to be parents. The next moment, we were making funeral arrangements for him. At first, there were all of the "why?" questions. I felt so cheated and I was so angry at God for allowing this to happen. We stayed away from people and tried to distance ourselves from anything that served as reminders of what we had lost. We were living in denial. Giving up seemed so much easier than hanging on. The pain seemed too great to endure. We had lost our hope and our faith was shaken. I was angry at God and did not understand how a loving and compassionate God could allow something so devastating to happen to one of His children. When I tried to pray, there was so much bitterness in my heart that slowly I was building a wall around my heart and I could no longer "feel" God. Emotionally and spiritually I expected something different. I knew He was there, but I wasn't feeling emotionally like I wanted to feel.
It was in these darkest moments that we were lifted up by the prayers of others. Instead of praying for God to answer my questions, I began to pray for the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I started reading scripture and books based on scripture that provided encouragement on coping with grief and dealing with life's trials. Through divine revelation, I began to gain a sense of inner peace.
One day, it all just seemed to click! I believe God did not neccesarily "allow" Landon to die for a purpose. I believe that Landon's illness was a result of the pain and evil that exists in this world and has existed since the fall of man. Because man chose to sin, we have to suffer from the consequences of that sin. God hates suffering just as much as we do, especially when it is one of His own. When bad things happen to people, we have two choices...1) we can turn away from God and try to deal with our pain on our own, or 2) we can turn to God and allow Him to help us carry our burdens. Doesn't the latter seem so much more logical?
I believe in an almighty and all-knowing God who is capable of anything; however, I also believe that God gives us freewill. He loves us so much that he gives us the chance to decide salvation for ourselves. He has given us the chance for salvation by sacrificing His own son on the cross and He also gives us the choice whether or not to accept His salvation. If God had healed my little Landon, then that would have invalidated everything about the cross.
I am certainly not a scholar when it comes to Christian theology and maybe I am not doing a very good job of explaining this concept, but if anything, I guess I just want people to understand that God doesn't make us suffer. Sin makes us suffer. God does not promise His people that we will be free of pain and suffering while on earth. It is only in heaven that we can be free of the evil, pain, and suffering of this earthly world. One day, our lives will end and we will be faced with eternity in either heaven or hell. Both are real. Don't let your sin keep you from spending eternity with the One true God who has promised His children blessings upon blessings in an eternal home.

I have often been asked how can I continue to praise God with all that I've been through.My response can best be summed up in the Mercy Me song "Jesus,Bring the Rain." Why would I turn my back on the one thing that brings me comfort in the storm?
"Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings you glory.
And I know there will be days
when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."

In His Love......

A Fresh Start

So I have finally decided to join the blogging world! I have promised myself this will not become an addiction, so who knows how often I will actually update my posts. Here we go......