Thank you for all of the phone calls, texts, and emails. I have been too emotional the past few days to talk to anyone, so please do not be offended if you got my voicemail. I am at home resting up. Physically, I feel fine. Emtionally, well, you can probably imagine how I feel. It's almost like life just slapped me in the face...again. I have been trying not to drown in a pool of self-pity today. What hurts the most is thinking about the possibility of spending the rest of my life without children to raise. But every time I start going down that road, I have to remind myself to count the blessings I do have instead. I have a wonderful, loving husband to take care of me, I have a job that I love where I can spend every day with children, I have family and friends to surround me with love, and most importantly, I have a heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally. If anyone knows my pain, He does. After all, he lost his one and only son as well.

As we were entering the hospital for my surgery yesterday, we passed a young couple leaving the hospital with their newborn son, full of smiles and love. While it is hard for me not to be jealous, I realize that just because I can't have that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others who do. However, with that being said, I am not happy for the countless parents in this world who treat their children like burdens and never take the time to praise God for the precious miracles He has blessed them with. I keep thinking about a mother I passed in the grocery store a few days ago. She had a baby, maybe a few months old, sitting in the shopping cart and a little girl about 3 walking beside her. The little girl kept pulling things off the shelf and asking her mom if she could have them. Every time, the mom jerked her by the arm and slapped her hand. About the the third time, the little girl started crying, then the baby starting crying. The mother started screaming at them, and I mean screaming, at them to "shut-up!" My eyes filled with tears as I witessed this and although my mind was telling me to mind my own business, my heart told me otherwise. As I passed by the mother, I simply looked at her and said "Maybe you should count your blessings." I think the mom was a little shocked that I actually said anything to her because she just stared at me in silence. Maybe it was a waste of my breath and even a little bold for me to do, but I justify it by calling it "righteous anger". Does she not realize that there are women who would give anything to have what she has?

Before I became pregnant with Landon, I remember someone who often complained about the fact that the Lord never blessed her with a daughter that she thought she deserved. This woman was the mother of three healthy boys. I wanted to ask her "Who are you to complain and how can you possbily feel sorry for yourself?" I often think about her remark, especially now that I am a childless mother. A small part of me almost resents people like her, but at the same time, I feel sorry for these people. Instead of focusing on their blessings in life, they complain instead about the things they do not have. Who are we to complain? Where does it say in the Bible that God owes us anything?
There are no guarantees in life. No guarantees of having children, no guarantees of financial wealth, no guarantees of success, no guarantees of happiness, no guarantees of a life without broken hearts. The only guarantee is the love of our Lord.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

In His Love...

In my last posting, I was under the impression at the time that God was in the process of restoring my lost joy through the birth of another child; however, I'm beginning to think that maybe my joy will not come in the form of another baby. As someone who lacks a lot of hope right now, it's hard for me to even think of having joy again some day.
Yesterday, I started having some minor complications. I called the doctor just as a precaution and he asked me to come in so he can perform an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine with the baby.
As he performed the ultrasound, I lay there looking at the screen waiting for a tiny beating heart to appear, but it never would. As seconds ticked by, and then minutes, I felt a sense of dread overcome me and tears flooded my eyes as I stared at a black motionless monitor. As the doctor and nurse expressed their apologies for the loss of our baby, I don't think I heard a word they were saying. My only thoughts were "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm just not meant to have children?"
The doctor assured me over and over again that there was nothing I could've done to prevent what happened, but it doesn't help lessen the pain any. He said "Sometimes these things just happen." It wasn't what I was expecting to happen. We are still in shock. We thought we would wait until the end of my 1st trimester to tell everyone the news that we were expecting, thinking that we would be "out of the woods" so to speak. I guess there never is a point where you're really "out of the woods".
I was told that since I was beyond a certain point in my pregnancy, they would need to go in and perform a certain procedure on me. I am scheduled for surgery today. My doctor has suggested that I will need some time for physical and emotional healing. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up at some point.
I keep telling myself not to be angry at God..... It's not His fault.....Life could always be worse. I'm finding that it's hard to have hope when I've hit rock bottom again. So once again, I ask for your prayers, not only for me but also for Adam. I know we are strong and we will get through this..again...but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

In His Love....

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning"

One year ago today, my aunt Claudie passed away from cancer. She was a godly woman with a heart of gold, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. She was a very special person and dearly loved by her family. The week before she passed away, I found out that I was pregnant with Landon. Little did I know that only 7 short months later, my little angel would be joining her up in heaven. I know she is watching over him for me.

I once heard someone say that "although God dispenses grief, he dispenses grace in far greater measure." Although at times, my immature faith makes me question why I had to lose my child in order to learn this concept, I now know that God's grace can sustain. Where there is sorrow, there will also be misery, but where there is misery, there is also grace. Throughout my journey through the grieving process, I have found myself continually going back to a particular verse of scripture that has become a source of encouragement...
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

As believers, we sometimes have the misconception that our life will be a fairytale as long we we stick to the course and stay faithful to the Lord. Well, in some ways this is true, because eventually, we will end up in a place far greater than any fairytale we've ever dreamed about; however, the steps in between may not always be smooth sailing. It is through our sufferings that God draws us nearer. It is in our darkest hours that our faith can grow the strongest. At some point in our life, we will have to endure some type of heartache, whether it be the loss of a loved one, a financial hardship, or a failed relationship. The good news is that it will only be for a season. Although the past 5 and half months have been full of heartache and grief, I know that the Lord will restore my joy. Here is proof.....
While this may come as a surprise to some of you, understand that you cannot be any more surprised than we are. God has blessed us with another miracle and we ask for your prayers for this precious miracle who is due on April 30, 2010, only 2 days after Landon's birthday. We are not surprised that God performs miracles, but we are surprised over the fact that He has chosen to bestow this blessing upon us so soon. We had decided that it would be a long time before we would ever have the nerve to try for more children, but God has other plans. We feel incredibly blessed, but are also struggling with fear. Our prayer is that whatever God's plan is for this child, that we can accept His will and continue to abide in His unfailing love. We pray that our fears do not rob of us of our joy. We know that no child will ever replace our sweet baby, Landon, and that is never our wish. A friend recently made the statement that "our children really are not our children. They belong to God. We are simply stewards over them while they are on earth." How true this is and may we always remember this.

In His Love...

The Love of the Lord Endures

On one of our last trips to Clearwater, we spent a day at the beach. I stood at the edge of the shore and watched a small child and his father playing in the waves. As each wave came rolling in, the little boy was knocked down to his feet. With every break in the waves, his father would reach down, take him by the hand and pull him back to his feet to ready him for the next wave. As I watched the two, I remember thinking how the scenario resembled my life, especially the last few months. It seems like I've had lots of waves in my life lately, but with every wave, I've had my heavenly Father holding my hand and pulling me back to my feet. Through every wave, I've found that God is my source of joy, hope, and strength. He is unchanging and His love is constant. If there's one thing that I can be sure, it's that the love of the Lord endures.

I recently read a story about a man who's infant son became gravely ill. During the days his child was sick, the man had stopped eating and spent many sleepless nights pleading with God to spare his child. His family and friends watched in helplessness as the man spiraled into a state of despair. When the baby eventually passed away, everyone was afraid to break the news to him out of fear that he would plummet even further downhill. However, upon hearing that his child had gone on to be with the Lord, the man immediately cleaned himself and worshipped the Lord. Everyone was in shock. They asked him "Why did you mourn your son while he was still alive, but now that he is dead, you eat again and no longer weep?" His response was "Why should I continue to mourn and fast if he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me." The man knew that he would see his son again in heaven some day. He had hope for the future.

This man was the great King David and his story can be found in the book of 2nd Samuel. The Lord loved David and soon after, He blessed David and his wife with another son who they named Solomon. David's story is one of hope and faithfulness. Throughout the many trials in his life, he praises the Lord for giving him strength and courage even in his darkest hours. David wrote the 23rd Psalm which shows us how to recognize the presence of God at times and in places where we might think God was absent or when we might be so distracted by our own concerns that we would overlook God's presence. David knew that the love of the Lord endures forever.

In His Love...

Heaven

We have been trying out a new church for the past several weeks and it has been difficult not to compare it to Calvary, our old church home. I think what we miss the most is the sense of community we use to have. While many have been quick to reach out to us, it is still hard being the "new couple" at church. Even though we both grew up in this town and still know people here, we are finding out that it's impossible to move back and expect to pick up where you left off. Things change and people change. As crazy as it sounds, we have noticed that people seem to avoid us. Maybe it is because they don't know what to say and are afraid they might say something that would bring up the past. I realize everyone is affected by the loss of a loved one in different ways, but as for me and Adam, we like talking about our son. He is not something that we would ever want to erase from our minds. Yes, the mention of his name still brings tears to our eyes, but the tears come because we miss him, not because someone brought him up. We still feel the deep pain of missing him, but we also have joyful memories of him like every other parent has of their baby.

On a different note, we are grateful that God has blessed us with the friendship of a wonderful family who we seem to have lots in common with. Although it has been nearly 5 months since we lost Landon, we still struggle with our grief on a daily basis and it has been a blessing to have friends who understand this.

A year ago, we never would have thought that our lives would look the way they do now. Several times each week, I go to the cemetary to visit my little boy's graveside. This is my quiet time with him and God. Even though his little casket is buried there, it is hard for me to picture him as a lifeless little form just laying there. In my mind, I picture him as a beautiful baby alive and safe in the arms of our heavenly Father. I think about heaven a lot more now than I use to, not just because Landon is there, but because losing him has made the reality of death a lot more clearer to me. Heaven is something that Adam and I discuss quite often. I wonder what it will be like to be reunited with all our loved ones and to stand before the presence of our almighty Father. I can't wait for heaven! No more tears, no more goodbyes, no more sadness, no more pain. Just Jesus Christ and His love. This is a concept amazing beyond my comprehension.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Cor. 2:9)

In His love....

Hummingbirds

Ever since I was a small child, I have always been fascinated by hummingbirds. I was thrilled when I discovered that we have several living around our new place. We hung a feeder on our window so we can watch them. I snapped this photo a few weeks ago and couldn't wait to share it. I have never seen one sit so still!

I find it astonishing to think that people can deny the existence of God even when we are surrounded with so many of His beautiful creations!

When Things Don't Make Sense

Praying for some of our dearest friends, Kevin and Wendy, who found out today that their baby, Mason, has been diagnosed with a genetic disorder, Xlink Hydrocephelus. This is one of the godliest couples I know and it is difficult to think that life is throwing something at them that they do not deserve. I pray that God will provide them with the strength they will need for the days and years ahead. I know they will be amazing parents regardless of the circumstances and will love their little boy unconditionally. I'm praying that little Mason's life will be as close to "normal" as possible and the trials in his life will be mininum.

Their situation is another reminder that some things in life just don't make sense. The Bible reminds us that suffering is a part of life in a sinful world. In the book of Romans, Paul tells us that " ...the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" Rom. 8:18. Out of suffering comes holiness and a chance for us to become "instruments of His peace".

In His love....