In my last posting, I was under the impression at the time that God was in the process of restoring my lost joy through the birth of another child; however, I'm beginning to think that maybe my joy will not come in the form of another baby. As someone who lacks a lot of hope right now, it's hard for me to even think of having joy again some day.
Yesterday, I started having some minor complications. I called the doctor just as a precaution and he asked me to come in so he can perform an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine with the baby.
As he performed the ultrasound, I lay there looking at the screen waiting for a tiny beating heart to appear, but it never would. As seconds ticked by, and then minutes, I felt a sense of dread overcome me and tears flooded my eyes as I stared at a black motionless monitor. As the doctor and nurse expressed their apologies for the loss of our baby, I don't think I heard a word they were saying. My only thoughts were "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm just not meant to have children?"
The doctor assured me over and over again that there was nothing I could've done to prevent what happened, but it doesn't help lessen the pain any. He said "Sometimes these things just happen." It wasn't what I was expecting to happen. We are still in shock. We thought we would wait until the end of my 1st trimester to tell everyone the news that we were expecting, thinking that we would be "out of the woods" so to speak. I guess there never is a point where you're really "out of the woods".
I was told that since I was beyond a certain point in my pregnancy, they would need to go in and perform a certain procedure on me. I am scheduled for surgery today. My doctor has suggested that I will need some time for physical and emotional healing. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up at some point.
I keep telling myself not to be angry at God..... It's not His fault.....Life could always be worse. I'm finding that it's hard to have hope when I've hit rock bottom again. So once again, I ask for your prayers, not only for me but also for Adam. I know we are strong and we will get through this..again...but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

In His Love....