It Was All Worth It

I recently paid a visit to the dentist. I was appalled to learn that I had, not one, but two cavities and I would need to get fillings! This was shocking to me since I hadn't had a cavity since elementary school, well.... maybe high school. I think the dentist sensed my embarrassment after promising him again and again that I really did brush my teeth. He assured me that sometimes stress can cause cavities. I realize he may have just said this to ease my shame, but I'll choose to believe him :) Right before he gave me the injection of numbing medicine, he said "This might hurt for a little while, but just remember, it will be worth it."

His words didn't hit me until days later when I was visiting Landon's grave. Even though it was a bleak and rainy day, I couldn't wait to see Landon's new headstone that had just been set that day. After nine months, my little boy finally had a proper resting place. I stood there in the pouring rain over my son's grave, my tears blending in with the pelting raindrops that stung my face, and suddenly, the words of my dentist came back to me. "Yes, this has hurt for a while, but one day I know it will be worth it."

I use to believe in the cliche that "God will never give you more than you can handle" but I'm not really on the bandwagon with that anymore. First of all, I don't neccesarily believe that God is always the one doing the "dishing out of bad things." Without giving the devil too much credit, it is important to know that evil does exist in our world. While God does permit certain things to happen, He is not always the cause of these events. Secondly, sometimes life can deal out some pretty devastating blows and there is no humanly way possible to carry the burden of the heartbreak that follows without the help of a higher power. I think that cliche should actually be "God will never give you more than you can handle without His help."
In 2009, life delivered some pretty devastating blows. My husband lost his job very unexpectantly due to company downsizing. I was seven months pregnant and we were temporarily without health insurance. We had bills to pay and were living off my teacher's salary. Our only option was to put our house on the market. Weeks later, our son was born pre-term very unexpectantly. Six days later, we lost him very unexpectantly and we were devastated. We had medical bills and funeral expenses that we had not anticipated. We eventually moved to a different town to be closer to family. Six months after losing Landon, we got another blow when our very unexpected pregnancy came to an end at 13 weeks. We had lost our second baby and once again, we were devastated.

I do not share these things as a means of garnering sympathy but only to give proof of how God can take heartbreak and turn it in to the ultimate form of healing that one can experience. While all of these events may have seemed very unexpected to us, God knew they were coming the whole time and He was ready. He was waiting in the wings for the time when I would reach my breaking point. When I finally did, He was there to scoop me up in His arms and carry me the rest of the way. Since then, He has been performing a healing on my broken heart. He has been carefully stitching it back together and mending it in places that I never knew needed mending.

If you are enduring a loss, then you are all too familiar with the heartwrenching pain that shakes you to your inner core and seems to suck the life right out of you. You know the desperation of seeking a way to escape the pain. When you finally reach your breaking point, thankfully, there is someone there to carry you the rest of the way and perform a healing on your heart like no other. He can provide the salve that brings comfort and hope.

Some have often questioned my decision to expose some of my most intimate feelings, especially knowing how private of a person I have been in the past, but if I don't, then my story can't do God's healing power any justice. If you have recently experienced some type of heartbreak, keep the faith. One day, your pain will lessen to the point that your good days will outnumber the bad ones. You will see that the sun is still shining and your heart is still beating and...... life goes on.

Although God is still in the process of performing open-heart surgery on me and I am yet to be completely healed, I am hoping that one day I can say "It was all worth it."

In His Love....

Prayer Requests

Just as you have prayed for me, I humbly ask that you pray for some of my dearest friends. They were there in my time of need and were a constant source of comfort and blessing for me.
My friend, Katy, lost her dad this past week very unexpectantly. Katy is also pregnant and the sress that grief brings will not be healthy for her pregnancy. Please lift her and her family up in your prayers that God will provide them with "the peace that surpasses all understanding"; That He will bless them with comfort and strength as they learn to live life without their father.
My second prayer request is for little Mason, the son of our friends, Kevin and Wendy. Mason was born with hydrocephalus this past June and has had many difficulties since. He is currently in the hospital because he is having gastrointestinal issues. They are exploring the possibility of surgery. Please pray for his parents that they will have the strength to cope with whatever this may entail. Especially pray for little Mason, that his problem can be resolved so that his life can be as normal as possible.
Thank you for taking the time to pray for them!
In His Love.....

The Desert of Preparation

Happy belated New Year! I know, I'm just a bit late, but better late than never, right? While I was thankful to see 2009 finally end, I also felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend that I'll never see again. It was a year full of heartbreak for my family, but it was also bittersweet. It was the year our son was born and for that reason, we will remember it the most.

I didn't really make any New Year's resolution for 2010, except for one- HOPE. My resolution is to not give up HOPE. To some, it may seem like a simple commitment, but to me, it has been a personal struggle since losing Landon and especially after our miscarriage. Just when I think I'm getting to a breaking point in my grief, it comes rushing back in Tsunami-size waves. I've had some personal struggles lately about life in general and God's plan for my life. I know it's satan trying his hardest to knock me down and I fill like I have to suit up for battle on a daily basis. "Lord, give me strength" has become part of my daily prayer.



I recently started the new Beth Moore bible study "Breaking Free", and it could not have started at a better time. I'm sure you'll be reading about it quite often in my future posts, so heads-up. I love Beth Moore!

The opening verse on the first night came from Isaiah 61:1-3.

"....He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

Wow, such an amazing promise from our heavenly father!


The first week's study was a reminder that even when we are being faithful to God and centered in His will, satan can still attack us. Sometimes he attacks the weak believers because they are easy prey. Other times he attacks the fully-surrendered servants of God just for the challenge of it. I'm sure he takes great delight in watching the infectious result of a strong believer's "fall from grace". Every time I think of that, I recommit to not giving up. I can't let satan win.

Have you ever noticed that almost every time an important figure in the Bible was about to do something great, God would send him into the desert? Moses, Abraham, John the Baptist, Jesus...It was in the desert that God prepared each person for the great task they would soon take on. I may not be a world-changing history maker, but I feel like I've been wandering in the desert for the last 8 months. So, I keep waiting and thinking "What great task is God preparing me for?" Will I be ready? Until He reveals His plan for me...I wait and I HOPE.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk 3:17-19

Amazing song!

I heard this song a few days ago and wanted to share. It's from one of my favorite Christian artisits, Brandon Heath. It's called "The Night Before Christmas". It gives me chills every time I hear it! Be sure to listen to the words.
Hope you enjoy it! :)

www.brandonheath.net

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

I can't believe it's December already! Where are the months going? I took a brief hiatus from my blog for the past few weeks on account of several reasons. One being that life has just gotten in the way and I haven't had the time to sit and write. Another reason.....I've been feeling a little like the Grinch lately.

I have always heard that the Holidays are never the same after you've lost a loved one, but I never thought I would get to find that out for myself so soon. As someone who has always been enthralled with Christmas, I can't exactly say that I've been all that excited this season. My tree is still not up, I don't have a single present wrapped, and my kitchen doesn't have the usual aroma of fresh-baked cookies like it normally does this time of year. Everywhere I go, it feels like it's all about seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child. There are the festive decorations....the sparkling lights... the tree.... the wrapped presents.....Santa.....all of the things that bring delight to the eyes of a small child. I have been missing my baby boy so much these past few weeks and I am constantly thinking about what we would be doing if he were here with us. I think about what our family Christmas card would like, what presents I would've bought him, and the "Baby's First Christmas" ornament that would hang on the tree.

I placed a Christmas wreath I had decorated with ornaments on Landon's grave last week. As I sat there beside his grave, I thought "How foolish of me to think that Christmas on earth could even compare to Christmas in Heaven. He has angels singing him Christmas carols and heaven's lights that glimmer and shine way beyond what we can even imagine."

A friend sent me a card a few weeks ago and she must have been reading my mind because it read "The joy is in the birth of our Savior, not the circumstances we find ourselves in." God knew I needed a reminder of what this season is all about. On the days I find it difficult to muster the strength to keep going, I reflect back on the birth of our Savior and the gift of life that He brought for all mankind. I also wonder what His young mother, Mary, must have thought while she carried her child in her womb. Did she know how great of an impact her son would one day make on the world? Did she know that she would out-live her son and that one day she would have to witness Him suffer on the cross? Did she give up her son willingly?

Our greatest tests come when we cannot see positive results from our faith and obedience. When faith doesn't see results it challenges what we believe. Mary may not have anticipated just how much her son's life would mean to this world, but she was steadfast in her faith and allowed God to use her. We must pray as Job prayed: "Teach me what I cannot see" (Job 34:32). God says there is a purpose in everything we go through. While it is important for us to remain faithful, we must also remember that God is faithful and He is so much bigger than Satan's afflictions.

To the brokenhearted, the downtrodden, the grieving, and the discouraged, I wish you tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort to get you through the difficult times and joy to overwhelmingly consume your hearts.

In His Love......

We live in the shadow of a fallen world. If you don't believe me, then just look around. There are hardships, crises, problems, heartache, pain, illness, affliction and suffering everywhere you turn. If you cannot identify with any of these, then count yourself among the few and the fortunate. Chances are, it won't take you long to find someone who is going through a hardship in his or her life. When trials do strike, we often seem to look upwards and ask " Why, God? Why me?"
Often times, suffering can lead people to become bitter and angry towards God. We feel as though our suffering is unfair and undeserved. I know this, because for a time, I felt this way. I am ashamed to admit it now, but I haven't always had the perspective I do now. I have struggled with trying to make sense of my pain and suffering. For a long time, I didn't understand how God could be both all-powerful and good by allowing so much pain and suffering to exist in this world. This concept was a little too difficult for me to grasp in the midst of my sorrow. Thankfully, I can now say that God is both good and sovereign.

When trials come our way, it seems only natural to ask"Why me?" but maybe we should be asking "Why not me?" After all, we are warned about trials and sufferings in the Bible. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12
No life isn't always fair, but was it fair for Christ, who was spotlessly pure and perfect, to live a life of persecution and die a death of unmerciful torture?

It is through God's Word that I have found peace in the midst of trouble, hope in the midst of trial and trust in the midst of chaos. I'm learning that I have to find contentment in spite of my circumstances instead of trying to escape from them. I have always been told that "God will never waste a hurt" and while I am thankful that my testimony can bring inspiration and comfort to others, I realize that it's not about me..it's about God! It is only through Him that my story can serve as a witness to His mercy and grace.
Yes, we can expect trials and tribulation, but God does not leave us without hope...
Jesus Christ said Himself "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

He has given us His promise of eternal life. While I have learned firsthand that it is not always easy, my prayer is that I can rejoice in the result of my sufferings and allow them to glorify His purpose.

In His Love....

God, Where Are You?

"God, where are you?"
I asked this question so often after we lost Landon. I felt like God had turned His back on me. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was there the entire time. He was there at the hospital with us when He provided our son with some of the best nurses and doctors to care for him. He made sure our parents were there to comfort us as we said our goodbyes to our little boy. He allowed Pastor, Skip, and his wife, Stoney, to be there to bless Landon in his final hours. God was there at Landon's memorial service and funeral when so many family and friends gathered to show their love and support for us as we grieved for our baby. He was there in the cards, emails, and phonecalls we received for months on end. God was there in the countless love offerings we received from so many people, some being complete strangers.

Over the past two weeks, God has continued to reveal himself. After the miscarriage, He was there in the compassion that was shown to us by my doctor and nurses. He watched over me during my surgery. He was there in the meals that friends and family provided. He was there when my wonderful co-workers graciously took over my teaching duties while I was out.
On the days that we have struggled with our grief, He has been there to provide a phonecall or email of encouragement from a family member or friend. On the day that we picked out Landon's headstone, He provided a care package in the mail from our friend, Wendy. God knew we would be in need of a spirit boost after that day! He was there when we received a bundle of letters from our old LifeGroup at Calvary, each of them inscripted with words of love and sealed with God's grace. He was there when others who have endured similar trials shared their stories with us as encouragement. He was there at my last doctor's visit when we were told not to give up hope yet on having children.
Although the pain is still present, God is with me now as I type this. I can feel His presence as He fills my broken heart with an indescribable peace. I know that the same hands that shaped this world are holding my heart right now.

I've learned that in our times of suffering, we should not question whether or not we believe in God, but rather what we believe about Him. God does not condemn us for asking questions. God is unchanging, God is the same today as He was 2,000 years ago. However, what we believe about Him and understand about Him can change. I realize that there really are no answers for why these things have happened to us. I do know, however, that God is faithful. Every time He made a promise in the Bible, it was fulfilled. There is hope for the future!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29:11-13

In His Love.....