Happy Birthday, Landon!

It's a bittersweet day. Thinking about the precious miracle that came into our lives a year ago today and thanking God for every second we got to spend with that miracle. Landon is never far from my heart or my thoughts. I'm thankful that my little boy came into this world alive and that we had some very special moments with him. Although we still grieve and mourn the years we will not get to spend with our son, we continuously praise God for the time He did allow us. After all, six days is far longer than what some mothers get with their child.

It is hard to believe that a year has come and gone so quickly. While the memories of his birth are still sharp in my mind, I know that is not the case for others. A close friend recently asked me "Are you afraid that people will forget him?" I could barely hold back the tears as I responded with a weak "Yes." Most of our friends and family never got to meet him before he left us, so to some, he is only a name without any memories attached. How can I expect them to remember him when they never got to meet him? For Adam and I, it is so much easier because we're his parents and a parent's love for their child does not end even after they pass on.

I made a silly request last night in my prayers. I didn't even tell Adam about it b/c I was afraid he would laugh at me. I asked God to send me a butterfly at Landon's grave today. I really don't know why I asked Him for it. Maybe I was looking for reassurance, I don't know. Point is, I asked for it. I had forgotten all about my foolish request until we walked up to his grave today and low and behold, there was a butterfly resting right on Landon's headstone. My heart literally skipped a beat! At first I thought it was just a coincidence, but after looking around, I noticed that it was the only butterfly I could see. Even stranger, it floated around our heads and stayed close to Landon's grave almost the entire time we were there. Feel free to call me crazy, but I believe in signs and I know that God sent that butterfly for me today. That was his gift of reassurance to me that my little boy is okay.

I do not want Landon's birthday to be a day of sadness, because after all, a year ago today, I was experiencing one of the greatest joys of my life. So instead of sadness, I praise God for the magnificent birthday party He is giving my son in heaven today and for the fact that Landon's little brother/sister that was due this week is getting to celebrate with him.

Save a place for me, my sweet baby boy.

Big day

I've been pretty quiet the last month. Thanks for all the emails asking if I was okay. Yes, I'm fine, just super busy with work and other things.
We have an important day coming up next week. Not sure what to think or feel except that I still miss my baby boy like crazy. Hard to believe it's been almost one year....One year since a beautiful blessing entered our lives. Thanking God for such a wonderful blessing.

In His Love....

Peace

Easter has come and gone and while I tried my hardest to focus on the real meaning of why we celebrate Easter to begin with, in the back of my mind, there was still that stabbing pain that things were not as they should have been. This year, Easter should have been different for my family. We should have had our nearly one-year-old son dressed for church in his new outfit. He should have been hunting Easter eggs with all the other children and been a part of the big family get-together.......but he wasn't. Another holiday without my baby boy.

Instead, Adam and I went to visit him at his grave. This has become our new family tradition. While we never would've dreamed that starting a new family tradition would include this, we have the promise that this tradition will not last forever.
One day, we will see our little boy face to face and we will no longer have to spend holidays, or any day for that matter, separated from him.

Our pastor preached a wonderful sermon on Easter Sunday about the promise of eternal peace that God offers us. It brought tears to my eyes to think of how much God has blessed me with His peace this past year. There have been times when I thought my pain would surely bring me to my ruin, but time after time, there was that still, small voice that brought light into my darkened world.

Although the pain of losing Landon is still so great, I have felt the fullness of Christ's love like never before. He has taught me what it means to be comforted by His peace and it is by His mercy and grace that my faith is being strengthened. It is only because of His resurrection that I have God's promise of peace and hope. God brought thunderclouds and disasters into my life when all I really wanted was green pastures and still waters. I realize now that that was the only way His refining fire could do its work.
I'm looking forward to the day of Christ's return!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you"
1 Peter 1:3-4

In His Love....

Healed by a Hem

Several days ago, I came across a story in the Bible that reminded me of the magnificent healing power of Christ and also the importance of a Christian's profession of faith. I had read this story many times before, but sadly I had never stopped to reflect on the depth of its message. It comes from Luke 8:40-56.

Jesus has just returned to Capernaum where a crowd has gathered to welcome Him back. Among the gatherers are a man and a woman, both separately seeking a healing from Jesus. The man, Jairus, is a leader of a synagogue and of great reputation and wealth. He falls at Jesus' feet, pleading with Him to come to his home and heal his dying daughter. As Jesus tries to make His way through the crowd to Jairus' home, a woman fights through the people to get close to Him. "If I can just get close enough," she tells herself. This woman had been suffering from a "female problem" for twelve years. She has basically spent all her money trying to find an end to her problem, but to no avail. Not only has her illness affected her physically and financially, it has also deprived her of taking part in religious ceremonies. (Under levitical law, bleeding made her unclean and unfit to partake in religious activities.) She has become discouraged and desperate. She had heard of Jesus' healing power, and as a last resort, she sought out this "healer".

As Jesus tried to make His way through the crowd to Jairus' home, the woman "came up behind Him and touched the hem of his cloak." Unlike Jairus, she did not approach Jesus face to face. She preferred to remain anonymous. I'm assuming that her female problem was an embarrassment and not something she wanted to proclaim in front of the masses. I'm also thinking that because she was considered "lowly" in society, she did not feel worthy to confront Jesus directly. I guess you could say she was trying to "steal a healing" for it says "upon touching the Lord's garment, she was immediately healed."

"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. Everyone denied they had touched Him. I imagine His disciples looked at Him as though he were crazy for they said "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you." In their minds they are thinking that Jesus is asking for the impossible. Hundreds have touched Him. What difference did it make who touched Him? That would be like standing in the pouring rain and trying to pinpoint one single raindrop.

Jesus' response just gives me chills......

"but Jesus said 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.' "

I can only imagine that by this point, Jairus is growing impatient, as time is of the essence if his daughter is to live. The disciples are also wondering why Jesus is delaying His arrival to Jairus' home. Didn't He have a child to heal?

But Jesus would not let the matter drop. Finally, the woman recognizes that she cannot go unnoticed as she had hoped. She falls at the feet of Jesus, bearing witness as to why she had touched Him and that she had been healed.

Although her faith might not have been enough to move mountains, it was enough to bring her healing, because Jesus says to her "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Jesus would not allow this woman a second-class healing. She ends up at Jesus' feet before Him, just where people of faith belong. I find it amazing that not only was it Jesus' power that healed her, it was also her faith that brought her healing. Jesus was sure to bring this to the crowd's attention when He told her that it was her faith that had healed her. Christ also wanted her faith to be publicy professed, not kept secret.

Where there is faith-no matter how big or small- God will respond to it and challenge us to become stronger in our faith. As long as we have faith, we, too, can be healed by a hem.

In His Love....

It Was All Worth It

I recently paid a visit to the dentist. I was appalled to learn that I had, not one, but two cavities and I would need to get fillings! This was shocking to me since I hadn't had a cavity since elementary school, well.... maybe high school. I think the dentist sensed my embarrassment after promising him again and again that I really did brush my teeth. He assured me that sometimes stress can cause cavities. I realize he may have just said this to ease my shame, but I'll choose to believe him :) Right before he gave me the injection of numbing medicine, he said "This might hurt for a little while, but just remember, it will be worth it."

His words didn't hit me until days later when I was visiting Landon's grave. Even though it was a bleak and rainy day, I couldn't wait to see Landon's new headstone that had just been set that day. After nine months, my little boy finally had a proper resting place. I stood there in the pouring rain over my son's grave, my tears blending in with the pelting raindrops that stung my face, and suddenly, the words of my dentist came back to me. "Yes, this has hurt for a while, but one day I know it will be worth it."

I use to believe in the cliche that "God will never give you more than you can handle" but I'm not really on the bandwagon with that anymore. First of all, I don't neccesarily believe that God is always the one doing the "dishing out of bad things." Without giving the devil too much credit, it is important to know that evil does exist in our world. While God does permit certain things to happen, He is not always the cause of these events. Secondly, sometimes life can deal out some pretty devastating blows and there is no humanly way possible to carry the burden of the heartbreak that follows without the help of a higher power. I think that cliche should actually be "God will never give you more than you can handle without His help."
In 2009, life delivered some pretty devastating blows. My husband lost his job very unexpectantly due to company downsizing. I was seven months pregnant and we were temporarily without health insurance. We had bills to pay and were living off my teacher's salary. Our only option was to put our house on the market. Weeks later, our son was born pre-term very unexpectantly. Six days later, we lost him very unexpectantly and we were devastated. We had medical bills and funeral expenses that we had not anticipated. We eventually moved to a different town to be closer to family. Six months after losing Landon, we got another blow when our very unexpected pregnancy came to an end at 13 weeks. We had lost our second baby and once again, we were devastated.

I do not share these things as a means of garnering sympathy but only to give proof of how God can take heartbreak and turn it in to the ultimate form of healing that one can experience. While all of these events may have seemed very unexpected to us, God knew they were coming the whole time and He was ready. He was waiting in the wings for the time when I would reach my breaking point. When I finally did, He was there to scoop me up in His arms and carry me the rest of the way. Since then, He has been performing a healing on my broken heart. He has been carefully stitching it back together and mending it in places that I never knew needed mending.

If you are enduring a loss, then you are all too familiar with the heartwrenching pain that shakes you to your inner core and seems to suck the life right out of you. You know the desperation of seeking a way to escape the pain. When you finally reach your breaking point, thankfully, there is someone there to carry you the rest of the way and perform a healing on your heart like no other. He can provide the salve that brings comfort and hope.

Some have often questioned my decision to expose some of my most intimate feelings, especially knowing how private of a person I have been in the past, but if I don't, then my story can't do God's healing power any justice. If you have recently experienced some type of heartbreak, keep the faith. One day, your pain will lessen to the point that your good days will outnumber the bad ones. You will see that the sun is still shining and your heart is still beating and...... life goes on.

Although God is still in the process of performing open-heart surgery on me and I am yet to be completely healed, I am hoping that one day I can say "It was all worth it."

In His Love....

Prayer Requests

Just as you have prayed for me, I humbly ask that you pray for some of my dearest friends. They were there in my time of need and were a constant source of comfort and blessing for me.
My friend, Katy, lost her dad this past week very unexpectantly. Katy is also pregnant and the sress that grief brings will not be healthy for her pregnancy. Please lift her and her family up in your prayers that God will provide them with "the peace that surpasses all understanding"; That He will bless them with comfort and strength as they learn to live life without their father.
My second prayer request is for little Mason, the son of our friends, Kevin and Wendy. Mason was born with hydrocephalus this past June and has had many difficulties since. He is currently in the hospital because he is having gastrointestinal issues. They are exploring the possibility of surgery. Please pray for his parents that they will have the strength to cope with whatever this may entail. Especially pray for little Mason, that his problem can be resolved so that his life can be as normal as possible.
Thank you for taking the time to pray for them!
In His Love.....

The Desert of Preparation

Happy belated New Year! I know, I'm just a bit late, but better late than never, right? While I was thankful to see 2009 finally end, I also felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend that I'll never see again. It was a year full of heartbreak for my family, but it was also bittersweet. It was the year our son was born and for that reason, we will remember it the most.

I didn't really make any New Year's resolution for 2010, except for one- HOPE. My resolution is to not give up HOPE. To some, it may seem like a simple commitment, but to me, it has been a personal struggle since losing Landon and especially after our miscarriage. Just when I think I'm getting to a breaking point in my grief, it comes rushing back in Tsunami-size waves. I've had some personal struggles lately about life in general and God's plan for my life. I know it's satan trying his hardest to knock me down and I fill like I have to suit up for battle on a daily basis. "Lord, give me strength" has become part of my daily prayer.



I recently started the new Beth Moore bible study "Breaking Free", and it could not have started at a better time. I'm sure you'll be reading about it quite often in my future posts, so heads-up. I love Beth Moore!

The opening verse on the first night came from Isaiah 61:1-3.

"....He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

Wow, such an amazing promise from our heavenly father!


The first week's study was a reminder that even when we are being faithful to God and centered in His will, satan can still attack us. Sometimes he attacks the weak believers because they are easy prey. Other times he attacks the fully-surrendered servants of God just for the challenge of it. I'm sure he takes great delight in watching the infectious result of a strong believer's "fall from grace". Every time I think of that, I recommit to not giving up. I can't let satan win.

Have you ever noticed that almost every time an important figure in the Bible was about to do something great, God would send him into the desert? Moses, Abraham, John the Baptist, Jesus...It was in the desert that God prepared each person for the great task they would soon take on. I may not be a world-changing history maker, but I feel like I've been wandering in the desert for the last 8 months. So, I keep waiting and thinking "What great task is God preparing me for?" Will I be ready? Until He reveals His plan for me...I wait and I HOPE.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk 3:17-19