Blessed Assurance

Although this past week has been a difficult one, we have felt your prayers and know that God is wrapping His blanket of comfort around us. Our grief is deep, but we know that the Lord feels our pain. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we planned and we are left with only pieces of our shattered hopes and dreams. We have shed many tears this week for both of our babies, and while we mourn the loss of our latest little miracle , Landon has been heavy on our hearts this week.


Yesterday, he would've been 6 months old. I often wonder what he would've looked like by now. What would his personality have been like? Would he have been a good sleeper? What would his smile have looked like? Would he still have his daddy's dark hair?




Today, instead of shopping for a Halloween costume for a 6-month old baby, we shopped for his headstone. It has taken us 6 months to find the strength to finally take care of it. We wanted it to be special, so we took our time deciding what to put on it. I never would've thought that I would be picking out my child's headstone at the age of 27. It just doesn't seem right that I outlived my child. Even though this is not the picture I had painted in my mind of what my life would look like, I can say that I will always be thankful that God chose ME to carry these children and to be their mother. I carried one of them in my womb for a short time and held the other in my arms for a few short days, but I will always carry them in my heart.


I wish I could say I was as strong as some of you make me out to be, but then I would be a fake. I think sometimes we feel that as believers we must put on this facade like everything is okay and we're doing just peachy, when in reality, we are falling to pieces inside. To be honest, I've been so angry lately. I'm angry that I don't have a baby to hold in my arms. I'm angry that I can't give my husband a child. I'm angry that "the Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away". How much more "taking away" do I have to endure before the pain stops? I know that I can be honest with Him because He already knows how I feel whether I express it or not. Lately, I've told Him often exactly how I feel. He knows that I'm angry. He knows that I'm hurting. He feels my pain. Whatever I might be feeling, it will not separate me from His love. He will not turn away from me. His is still faithful.


I have learned that although God doesn't always give answers to all of my "whys", He always gives Himself. So, as I wait for Him to reveal His plan for my life, I will continue to praise Him. I praise Him for being a God of grace, a God of mercy, a God of compassion, a God of comfort, and a God of hope. I praise Him for His faithfulness and His holiness.


Heavenly Father, thank you for the assurance that my babies are alive and well with you.





In His Love....