We live in the shadow of a fallen world. If you don't believe me, then just look around. There are hardships, crises, problems, heartache, pain, illness, affliction and suffering everywhere you turn. If you cannot identify with any of these, then count yourself among the few and the fortunate. Chances are, it won't take you long to find someone who is going through a hardship in his or her life. When trials do strike, we often seem to look upwards and ask " Why, God? Why me?"
Often times, suffering can lead people to become bitter and angry towards God. We feel as though our suffering is unfair and undeserved. I know this, because for a time, I felt this way. I am ashamed to admit it now, but I haven't always had the perspective I do now. I have struggled with trying to make sense of my pain and suffering. For a long time, I didn't understand how God could be both all-powerful and good by allowing so much pain and suffering to exist in this world. This concept was a little too difficult for me to grasp in the midst of my sorrow. Thankfully, I can now say that God is both good and sovereign.

When trials come our way, it seems only natural to ask"Why me?" but maybe we should be asking "Why not me?" After all, we are warned about trials and sufferings in the Bible. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12
No life isn't always fair, but was it fair for Christ, who was spotlessly pure and perfect, to live a life of persecution and die a death of unmerciful torture?

It is through God's Word that I have found peace in the midst of trouble, hope in the midst of trial and trust in the midst of chaos. I'm learning that I have to find contentment in spite of my circumstances instead of trying to escape from them. I have always been told that "God will never waste a hurt" and while I am thankful that my testimony can bring inspiration and comfort to others, I realize that it's not about me..it's about God! It is only through Him that my story can serve as a witness to His mercy and grace.
Yes, we can expect trials and tribulation, but God does not leave us without hope...
Jesus Christ said Himself "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

He has given us His promise of eternal life. While I have learned firsthand that it is not always easy, my prayer is that I can rejoice in the result of my sufferings and allow them to glorify His purpose.

In His Love....

God, Where Are You?

"God, where are you?"
I asked this question so often after we lost Landon. I felt like God had turned His back on me. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was there the entire time. He was there at the hospital with us when He provided our son with some of the best nurses and doctors to care for him. He made sure our parents were there to comfort us as we said our goodbyes to our little boy. He allowed Pastor, Skip, and his wife, Stoney, to be there to bless Landon in his final hours. God was there at Landon's memorial service and funeral when so many family and friends gathered to show their love and support for us as we grieved for our baby. He was there in the cards, emails, and phonecalls we received for months on end. God was there in the countless love offerings we received from so many people, some being complete strangers.

Over the past two weeks, God has continued to reveal himself. After the miscarriage, He was there in the compassion that was shown to us by my doctor and nurses. He watched over me during my surgery. He was there in the meals that friends and family provided. He was there when my wonderful co-workers graciously took over my teaching duties while I was out.
On the days that we have struggled with our grief, He has been there to provide a phonecall or email of encouragement from a family member or friend. On the day that we picked out Landon's headstone, He provided a care package in the mail from our friend, Wendy. God knew we would be in need of a spirit boost after that day! He was there when we received a bundle of letters from our old LifeGroup at Calvary, each of them inscripted with words of love and sealed with God's grace. He was there when others who have endured similar trials shared their stories with us as encouragement. He was there at my last doctor's visit when we were told not to give up hope yet on having children.
Although the pain is still present, God is with me now as I type this. I can feel His presence as He fills my broken heart with an indescribable peace. I know that the same hands that shaped this world are holding my heart right now.

I've learned that in our times of suffering, we should not question whether or not we believe in God, but rather what we believe about Him. God does not condemn us for asking questions. God is unchanging, God is the same today as He was 2,000 years ago. However, what we believe about Him and understand about Him can change. I realize that there really are no answers for why these things have happened to us. I do know, however, that God is faithful. Every time He made a promise in the Bible, it was fulfilled. There is hope for the future!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29:11-13

In His Love.....

Blessed Assurance

Although this past week has been a difficult one, we have felt your prayers and know that God is wrapping His blanket of comfort around us. Our grief is deep, but we know that the Lord feels our pain. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we planned and we are left with only pieces of our shattered hopes and dreams. We have shed many tears this week for both of our babies, and while we mourn the loss of our latest little miracle , Landon has been heavy on our hearts this week.


Yesterday, he would've been 6 months old. I often wonder what he would've looked like by now. What would his personality have been like? Would he have been a good sleeper? What would his smile have looked like? Would he still have his daddy's dark hair?




Today, instead of shopping for a Halloween costume for a 6-month old baby, we shopped for his headstone. It has taken us 6 months to find the strength to finally take care of it. We wanted it to be special, so we took our time deciding what to put on it. I never would've thought that I would be picking out my child's headstone at the age of 27. It just doesn't seem right that I outlived my child. Even though this is not the picture I had painted in my mind of what my life would look like, I can say that I will always be thankful that God chose ME to carry these children and to be their mother. I carried one of them in my womb for a short time and held the other in my arms for a few short days, but I will always carry them in my heart.


I wish I could say I was as strong as some of you make me out to be, but then I would be a fake. I think sometimes we feel that as believers we must put on this facade like everything is okay and we're doing just peachy, when in reality, we are falling to pieces inside. To be honest, I've been so angry lately. I'm angry that I don't have a baby to hold in my arms. I'm angry that I can't give my husband a child. I'm angry that "the Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away". How much more "taking away" do I have to endure before the pain stops? I know that I can be honest with Him because He already knows how I feel whether I express it or not. Lately, I've told Him often exactly how I feel. He knows that I'm angry. He knows that I'm hurting. He feels my pain. Whatever I might be feeling, it will not separate me from His love. He will not turn away from me. His is still faithful.


I have learned that although God doesn't always give answers to all of my "whys", He always gives Himself. So, as I wait for Him to reveal His plan for my life, I will continue to praise Him. I praise Him for being a God of grace, a God of mercy, a God of compassion, a God of comfort, and a God of hope. I praise Him for His faithfulness and His holiness.


Heavenly Father, thank you for the assurance that my babies are alive and well with you.





In His Love....

Thank you for all of the phone calls, texts, and emails. I have been too emotional the past few days to talk to anyone, so please do not be offended if you got my voicemail. I am at home resting up. Physically, I feel fine. Emtionally, well, you can probably imagine how I feel. It's almost like life just slapped me in the face...again. I have been trying not to drown in a pool of self-pity today. What hurts the most is thinking about the possibility of spending the rest of my life without children to raise. But every time I start going down that road, I have to remind myself to count the blessings I do have instead. I have a wonderful, loving husband to take care of me, I have a job that I love where I can spend every day with children, I have family and friends to surround me with love, and most importantly, I have a heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally. If anyone knows my pain, He does. After all, he lost his one and only son as well.

As we were entering the hospital for my surgery yesterday, we passed a young couple leaving the hospital with their newborn son, full of smiles and love. While it is hard for me not to be jealous, I realize that just because I can't have that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others who do. However, with that being said, I am not happy for the countless parents in this world who treat their children like burdens and never take the time to praise God for the precious miracles He has blessed them with. I keep thinking about a mother I passed in the grocery store a few days ago. She had a baby, maybe a few months old, sitting in the shopping cart and a little girl about 3 walking beside her. The little girl kept pulling things off the shelf and asking her mom if she could have them. Every time, the mom jerked her by the arm and slapped her hand. About the the third time, the little girl started crying, then the baby starting crying. The mother started screaming at them, and I mean screaming, at them to "shut-up!" My eyes filled with tears as I witessed this and although my mind was telling me to mind my own business, my heart told me otherwise. As I passed by the mother, I simply looked at her and said "Maybe you should count your blessings." I think the mom was a little shocked that I actually said anything to her because she just stared at me in silence. Maybe it was a waste of my breath and even a little bold for me to do, but I justify it by calling it "righteous anger". Does she not realize that there are women who would give anything to have what she has?

Before I became pregnant with Landon, I remember someone who often complained about the fact that the Lord never blessed her with a daughter that she thought she deserved. This woman was the mother of three healthy boys. I wanted to ask her "Who are you to complain and how can you possbily feel sorry for yourself?" I often think about her remark, especially now that I am a childless mother. A small part of me almost resents people like her, but at the same time, I feel sorry for these people. Instead of focusing on their blessings in life, they complain instead about the things they do not have. Who are we to complain? Where does it say in the Bible that God owes us anything?
There are no guarantees in life. No guarantees of having children, no guarantees of financial wealth, no guarantees of success, no guarantees of happiness, no guarantees of a life without broken hearts. The only guarantee is the love of our Lord.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

In His Love...

In my last posting, I was under the impression at the time that God was in the process of restoring my lost joy through the birth of another child; however, I'm beginning to think that maybe my joy will not come in the form of another baby. As someone who lacks a lot of hope right now, it's hard for me to even think of having joy again some day.
Yesterday, I started having some minor complications. I called the doctor just as a precaution and he asked me to come in so he can perform an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine with the baby.
As he performed the ultrasound, I lay there looking at the screen waiting for a tiny beating heart to appear, but it never would. As seconds ticked by, and then minutes, I felt a sense of dread overcome me and tears flooded my eyes as I stared at a black motionless monitor. As the doctor and nurse expressed their apologies for the loss of our baby, I don't think I heard a word they were saying. My only thoughts were "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm just not meant to have children?"
The doctor assured me over and over again that there was nothing I could've done to prevent what happened, but it doesn't help lessen the pain any. He said "Sometimes these things just happen." It wasn't what I was expecting to happen. We are still in shock. We thought we would wait until the end of my 1st trimester to tell everyone the news that we were expecting, thinking that we would be "out of the woods" so to speak. I guess there never is a point where you're really "out of the woods".
I was told that since I was beyond a certain point in my pregnancy, they would need to go in and perform a certain procedure on me. I am scheduled for surgery today. My doctor has suggested that I will need some time for physical and emotional healing. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up at some point.
I keep telling myself not to be angry at God..... It's not His fault.....Life could always be worse. I'm finding that it's hard to have hope when I've hit rock bottom again. So once again, I ask for your prayers, not only for me but also for Adam. I know we are strong and we will get through this..again...but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

In His Love....

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning"

One year ago today, my aunt Claudie passed away from cancer. She was a godly woman with a heart of gold, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. She was a very special person and dearly loved by her family. The week before she passed away, I found out that I was pregnant with Landon. Little did I know that only 7 short months later, my little angel would be joining her up in heaven. I know she is watching over him for me.

I once heard someone say that "although God dispenses grief, he dispenses grace in far greater measure." Although at times, my immature faith makes me question why I had to lose my child in order to learn this concept, I now know that God's grace can sustain. Where there is sorrow, there will also be misery, but where there is misery, there is also grace. Throughout my journey through the grieving process, I have found myself continually going back to a particular verse of scripture that has become a source of encouragement...
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

As believers, we sometimes have the misconception that our life will be a fairytale as long we we stick to the course and stay faithful to the Lord. Well, in some ways this is true, because eventually, we will end up in a place far greater than any fairytale we've ever dreamed about; however, the steps in between may not always be smooth sailing. It is through our sufferings that God draws us nearer. It is in our darkest hours that our faith can grow the strongest. At some point in our life, we will have to endure some type of heartache, whether it be the loss of a loved one, a financial hardship, or a failed relationship. The good news is that it will only be for a season. Although the past 5 and half months have been full of heartache and grief, I know that the Lord will restore my joy. Here is proof.....
While this may come as a surprise to some of you, understand that you cannot be any more surprised than we are. God has blessed us with another miracle and we ask for your prayers for this precious miracle who is due on April 30, 2010, only 2 days after Landon's birthday. We are not surprised that God performs miracles, but we are surprised over the fact that He has chosen to bestow this blessing upon us so soon. We had decided that it would be a long time before we would ever have the nerve to try for more children, but God has other plans. We feel incredibly blessed, but are also struggling with fear. Our prayer is that whatever God's plan is for this child, that we can accept His will and continue to abide in His unfailing love. We pray that our fears do not rob of us of our joy. We know that no child will ever replace our sweet baby, Landon, and that is never our wish. A friend recently made the statement that "our children really are not our children. They belong to God. We are simply stewards over them while they are on earth." How true this is and may we always remember this.

In His Love...

The Love of the Lord Endures

On one of our last trips to Clearwater, we spent a day at the beach. I stood at the edge of the shore and watched a small child and his father playing in the waves. As each wave came rolling in, the little boy was knocked down to his feet. With every break in the waves, his father would reach down, take him by the hand and pull him back to his feet to ready him for the next wave. As I watched the two, I remember thinking how the scenario resembled my life, especially the last few months. It seems like I've had lots of waves in my life lately, but with every wave, I've had my heavenly Father holding my hand and pulling me back to my feet. Through every wave, I've found that God is my source of joy, hope, and strength. He is unchanging and His love is constant. If there's one thing that I can be sure, it's that the love of the Lord endures.

I recently read a story about a man who's infant son became gravely ill. During the days his child was sick, the man had stopped eating and spent many sleepless nights pleading with God to spare his child. His family and friends watched in helplessness as the man spiraled into a state of despair. When the baby eventually passed away, everyone was afraid to break the news to him out of fear that he would plummet even further downhill. However, upon hearing that his child had gone on to be with the Lord, the man immediately cleaned himself and worshipped the Lord. Everyone was in shock. They asked him "Why did you mourn your son while he was still alive, but now that he is dead, you eat again and no longer weep?" His response was "Why should I continue to mourn and fast if he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me." The man knew that he would see his son again in heaven some day. He had hope for the future.

This man was the great King David and his story can be found in the book of 2nd Samuel. The Lord loved David and soon after, He blessed David and his wife with another son who they named Solomon. David's story is one of hope and faithfulness. Throughout the many trials in his life, he praises the Lord for giving him strength and courage even in his darkest hours. David wrote the 23rd Psalm which shows us how to recognize the presence of God at times and in places where we might think God was absent or when we might be so distracted by our own concerns that we would overlook God's presence. David knew that the love of the Lord endures forever.

In His Love...