Amazing song!

I heard this song a few days ago and wanted to share. It's from one of my favorite Christian artisits, Brandon Heath. It's called "The Night Before Christmas". It gives me chills every time I hear it! Be sure to listen to the words.
Hope you enjoy it! :)

www.brandonheath.net

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

I can't believe it's December already! Where are the months going? I took a brief hiatus from my blog for the past few weeks on account of several reasons. One being that life has just gotten in the way and I haven't had the time to sit and write. Another reason.....I've been feeling a little like the Grinch lately.

I have always heard that the Holidays are never the same after you've lost a loved one, but I never thought I would get to find that out for myself so soon. As someone who has always been enthralled with Christmas, I can't exactly say that I've been all that excited this season. My tree is still not up, I don't have a single present wrapped, and my kitchen doesn't have the usual aroma of fresh-baked cookies like it normally does this time of year. Everywhere I go, it feels like it's all about seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child. There are the festive decorations....the sparkling lights... the tree.... the wrapped presents.....Santa.....all of the things that bring delight to the eyes of a small child. I have been missing my baby boy so much these past few weeks and I am constantly thinking about what we would be doing if he were here with us. I think about what our family Christmas card would like, what presents I would've bought him, and the "Baby's First Christmas" ornament that would hang on the tree.

I placed a Christmas wreath I had decorated with ornaments on Landon's grave last week. As I sat there beside his grave, I thought "How foolish of me to think that Christmas on earth could even compare to Christmas in Heaven. He has angels singing him Christmas carols and heaven's lights that glimmer and shine way beyond what we can even imagine."

A friend sent me a card a few weeks ago and she must have been reading my mind because it read "The joy is in the birth of our Savior, not the circumstances we find ourselves in." God knew I needed a reminder of what this season is all about. On the days I find it difficult to muster the strength to keep going, I reflect back on the birth of our Savior and the gift of life that He brought for all mankind. I also wonder what His young mother, Mary, must have thought while she carried her child in her womb. Did she know how great of an impact her son would one day make on the world? Did she know that she would out-live her son and that one day she would have to witness Him suffer on the cross? Did she give up her son willingly?

Our greatest tests come when we cannot see positive results from our faith and obedience. When faith doesn't see results it challenges what we believe. Mary may not have anticipated just how much her son's life would mean to this world, but she was steadfast in her faith and allowed God to use her. We must pray as Job prayed: "Teach me what I cannot see" (Job 34:32). God says there is a purpose in everything we go through. While it is important for us to remain faithful, we must also remember that God is faithful and He is so much bigger than Satan's afflictions.

To the brokenhearted, the downtrodden, the grieving, and the discouraged, I wish you tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort to get you through the difficult times and joy to overwhelmingly consume your hearts.

In His Love......

We live in the shadow of a fallen world. If you don't believe me, then just look around. There are hardships, crises, problems, heartache, pain, illness, affliction and suffering everywhere you turn. If you cannot identify with any of these, then count yourself among the few and the fortunate. Chances are, it won't take you long to find someone who is going through a hardship in his or her life. When trials do strike, we often seem to look upwards and ask " Why, God? Why me?"
Often times, suffering can lead people to become bitter and angry towards God. We feel as though our suffering is unfair and undeserved. I know this, because for a time, I felt this way. I am ashamed to admit it now, but I haven't always had the perspective I do now. I have struggled with trying to make sense of my pain and suffering. For a long time, I didn't understand how God could be both all-powerful and good by allowing so much pain and suffering to exist in this world. This concept was a little too difficult for me to grasp in the midst of my sorrow. Thankfully, I can now say that God is both good and sovereign.

When trials come our way, it seems only natural to ask"Why me?" but maybe we should be asking "Why not me?" After all, we are warned about trials and sufferings in the Bible. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12
No life isn't always fair, but was it fair for Christ, who was spotlessly pure and perfect, to live a life of persecution and die a death of unmerciful torture?

It is through God's Word that I have found peace in the midst of trouble, hope in the midst of trial and trust in the midst of chaos. I'm learning that I have to find contentment in spite of my circumstances instead of trying to escape from them. I have always been told that "God will never waste a hurt" and while I am thankful that my testimony can bring inspiration and comfort to others, I realize that it's not about me..it's about God! It is only through Him that my story can serve as a witness to His mercy and grace.
Yes, we can expect trials and tribulation, but God does not leave us without hope...
Jesus Christ said Himself "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

He has given us His promise of eternal life. While I have learned firsthand that it is not always easy, my prayer is that I can rejoice in the result of my sufferings and allow them to glorify His purpose.

In His Love....

God, Where Are You?

"God, where are you?"
I asked this question so often after we lost Landon. I felt like God had turned His back on me. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was there the entire time. He was there at the hospital with us when He provided our son with some of the best nurses and doctors to care for him. He made sure our parents were there to comfort us as we said our goodbyes to our little boy. He allowed Pastor, Skip, and his wife, Stoney, to be there to bless Landon in his final hours. God was there at Landon's memorial service and funeral when so many family and friends gathered to show their love and support for us as we grieved for our baby. He was there in the cards, emails, and phonecalls we received for months on end. God was there in the countless love offerings we received from so many people, some being complete strangers.

Over the past two weeks, God has continued to reveal himself. After the miscarriage, He was there in the compassion that was shown to us by my doctor and nurses. He watched over me during my surgery. He was there in the meals that friends and family provided. He was there when my wonderful co-workers graciously took over my teaching duties while I was out.
On the days that we have struggled with our grief, He has been there to provide a phonecall or email of encouragement from a family member or friend. On the day that we picked out Landon's headstone, He provided a care package in the mail from our friend, Wendy. God knew we would be in need of a spirit boost after that day! He was there when we received a bundle of letters from our old LifeGroup at Calvary, each of them inscripted with words of love and sealed with God's grace. He was there when others who have endured similar trials shared their stories with us as encouragement. He was there at my last doctor's visit when we were told not to give up hope yet on having children.
Although the pain is still present, God is with me now as I type this. I can feel His presence as He fills my broken heart with an indescribable peace. I know that the same hands that shaped this world are holding my heart right now.

I've learned that in our times of suffering, we should not question whether or not we believe in God, but rather what we believe about Him. God does not condemn us for asking questions. God is unchanging, God is the same today as He was 2,000 years ago. However, what we believe about Him and understand about Him can change. I realize that there really are no answers for why these things have happened to us. I do know, however, that God is faithful. Every time He made a promise in the Bible, it was fulfilled. There is hope for the future!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29:11-13

In His Love.....

Blessed Assurance

Although this past week has been a difficult one, we have felt your prayers and know that God is wrapping His blanket of comfort around us. Our grief is deep, but we know that the Lord feels our pain. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we planned and we are left with only pieces of our shattered hopes and dreams. We have shed many tears this week for both of our babies, and while we mourn the loss of our latest little miracle , Landon has been heavy on our hearts this week.


Yesterday, he would've been 6 months old. I often wonder what he would've looked like by now. What would his personality have been like? Would he have been a good sleeper? What would his smile have looked like? Would he still have his daddy's dark hair?




Today, instead of shopping for a Halloween costume for a 6-month old baby, we shopped for his headstone. It has taken us 6 months to find the strength to finally take care of it. We wanted it to be special, so we took our time deciding what to put on it. I never would've thought that I would be picking out my child's headstone at the age of 27. It just doesn't seem right that I outlived my child. Even though this is not the picture I had painted in my mind of what my life would look like, I can say that I will always be thankful that God chose ME to carry these children and to be their mother. I carried one of them in my womb for a short time and held the other in my arms for a few short days, but I will always carry them in my heart.


I wish I could say I was as strong as some of you make me out to be, but then I would be a fake. I think sometimes we feel that as believers we must put on this facade like everything is okay and we're doing just peachy, when in reality, we are falling to pieces inside. To be honest, I've been so angry lately. I'm angry that I don't have a baby to hold in my arms. I'm angry that I can't give my husband a child. I'm angry that "the Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away". How much more "taking away" do I have to endure before the pain stops? I know that I can be honest with Him because He already knows how I feel whether I express it or not. Lately, I've told Him often exactly how I feel. He knows that I'm angry. He knows that I'm hurting. He feels my pain. Whatever I might be feeling, it will not separate me from His love. He will not turn away from me. His is still faithful.


I have learned that although God doesn't always give answers to all of my "whys", He always gives Himself. So, as I wait for Him to reveal His plan for my life, I will continue to praise Him. I praise Him for being a God of grace, a God of mercy, a God of compassion, a God of comfort, and a God of hope. I praise Him for His faithfulness and His holiness.


Heavenly Father, thank you for the assurance that my babies are alive and well with you.





In His Love....

Thank you for all of the phone calls, texts, and emails. I have been too emotional the past few days to talk to anyone, so please do not be offended if you got my voicemail. I am at home resting up. Physically, I feel fine. Emtionally, well, you can probably imagine how I feel. It's almost like life just slapped me in the face...again. I have been trying not to drown in a pool of self-pity today. What hurts the most is thinking about the possibility of spending the rest of my life without children to raise. But every time I start going down that road, I have to remind myself to count the blessings I do have instead. I have a wonderful, loving husband to take care of me, I have a job that I love where I can spend every day with children, I have family and friends to surround me with love, and most importantly, I have a heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally. If anyone knows my pain, He does. After all, he lost his one and only son as well.

As we were entering the hospital for my surgery yesterday, we passed a young couple leaving the hospital with their newborn son, full of smiles and love. While it is hard for me not to be jealous, I realize that just because I can't have that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others who do. However, with that being said, I am not happy for the countless parents in this world who treat their children like burdens and never take the time to praise God for the precious miracles He has blessed them with. I keep thinking about a mother I passed in the grocery store a few days ago. She had a baby, maybe a few months old, sitting in the shopping cart and a little girl about 3 walking beside her. The little girl kept pulling things off the shelf and asking her mom if she could have them. Every time, the mom jerked her by the arm and slapped her hand. About the the third time, the little girl started crying, then the baby starting crying. The mother started screaming at them, and I mean screaming, at them to "shut-up!" My eyes filled with tears as I witessed this and although my mind was telling me to mind my own business, my heart told me otherwise. As I passed by the mother, I simply looked at her and said "Maybe you should count your blessings." I think the mom was a little shocked that I actually said anything to her because she just stared at me in silence. Maybe it was a waste of my breath and even a little bold for me to do, but I justify it by calling it "righteous anger". Does she not realize that there are women who would give anything to have what she has?

Before I became pregnant with Landon, I remember someone who often complained about the fact that the Lord never blessed her with a daughter that she thought she deserved. This woman was the mother of three healthy boys. I wanted to ask her "Who are you to complain and how can you possbily feel sorry for yourself?" I often think about her remark, especially now that I am a childless mother. A small part of me almost resents people like her, but at the same time, I feel sorry for these people. Instead of focusing on their blessings in life, they complain instead about the things they do not have. Who are we to complain? Where does it say in the Bible that God owes us anything?
There are no guarantees in life. No guarantees of having children, no guarantees of financial wealth, no guarantees of success, no guarantees of happiness, no guarantees of a life without broken hearts. The only guarantee is the love of our Lord.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

In His Love...

In my last posting, I was under the impression at the time that God was in the process of restoring my lost joy through the birth of another child; however, I'm beginning to think that maybe my joy will not come in the form of another baby. As someone who lacks a lot of hope right now, it's hard for me to even think of having joy again some day.
Yesterday, I started having some minor complications. I called the doctor just as a precaution and he asked me to come in so he can perform an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine with the baby.
As he performed the ultrasound, I lay there looking at the screen waiting for a tiny beating heart to appear, but it never would. As seconds ticked by, and then minutes, I felt a sense of dread overcome me and tears flooded my eyes as I stared at a black motionless monitor. As the doctor and nurse expressed their apologies for the loss of our baby, I don't think I heard a word they were saying. My only thoughts were "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm just not meant to have children?"
The doctor assured me over and over again that there was nothing I could've done to prevent what happened, but it doesn't help lessen the pain any. He said "Sometimes these things just happen." It wasn't what I was expecting to happen. We are still in shock. We thought we would wait until the end of my 1st trimester to tell everyone the news that we were expecting, thinking that we would be "out of the woods" so to speak. I guess there never is a point where you're really "out of the woods".
I was told that since I was beyond a certain point in my pregnancy, they would need to go in and perform a certain procedure on me. I am scheduled for surgery today. My doctor has suggested that I will need some time for physical and emotional healing. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up at some point.
I keep telling myself not to be angry at God..... It's not His fault.....Life could always be worse. I'm finding that it's hard to have hope when I've hit rock bottom again. So once again, I ask for your prayers, not only for me but also for Adam. I know we are strong and we will get through this..again...but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

In His Love....