Thank you for all of the phone calls, texts, and emails. I have been too emotional the past few days to talk to anyone, so please do not be offended if you got my voicemail. I am at home resting up. Physically, I feel fine. Emtionally, well, you can probably imagine how I feel. It's almost like life just slapped me in the face...again. I have been trying not to drown in a pool of self-pity today. What hurts the most is thinking about the possibility of spending the rest of my life without children to raise. But every time I start going down that road, I have to remind myself to count the blessings I do have instead. I have a wonderful, loving husband to take care of me, I have a job that I love where I can spend every day with children, I have family and friends to surround me with love, and most importantly, I have a heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally. If anyone knows my pain, He does. After all, he lost his one and only son as well.

As we were entering the hospital for my surgery yesterday, we passed a young couple leaving the hospital with their newborn son, full of smiles and love. While it is hard for me not to be jealous, I realize that just because I can't have that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others who do. However, with that being said, I am not happy for the countless parents in this world who treat their children like burdens and never take the time to praise God for the precious miracles He has blessed them with. I keep thinking about a mother I passed in the grocery store a few days ago. She had a baby, maybe a few months old, sitting in the shopping cart and a little girl about 3 walking beside her. The little girl kept pulling things off the shelf and asking her mom if she could have them. Every time, the mom jerked her by the arm and slapped her hand. About the the third time, the little girl started crying, then the baby starting crying. The mother started screaming at them, and I mean screaming, at them to "shut-up!" My eyes filled with tears as I witessed this and although my mind was telling me to mind my own business, my heart told me otherwise. As I passed by the mother, I simply looked at her and said "Maybe you should count your blessings." I think the mom was a little shocked that I actually said anything to her because she just stared at me in silence. Maybe it was a waste of my breath and even a little bold for me to do, but I justify it by calling it "righteous anger". Does she not realize that there are women who would give anything to have what she has?

Before I became pregnant with Landon, I remember someone who often complained about the fact that the Lord never blessed her with a daughter that she thought she deserved. This woman was the mother of three healthy boys. I wanted to ask her "Who are you to complain and how can you possbily feel sorry for yourself?" I often think about her remark, especially now that I am a childless mother. A small part of me almost resents people like her, but at the same time, I feel sorry for these people. Instead of focusing on their blessings in life, they complain instead about the things they do not have. Who are we to complain? Where does it say in the Bible that God owes us anything?
There are no guarantees in life. No guarantees of having children, no guarantees of financial wealth, no guarantees of success, no guarantees of happiness, no guarantees of a life without broken hearts. The only guarantee is the love of our Lord.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

In His Love...